


Carry Yourself

by iluvwind



Category: Bleach
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Flashbacks, Gen, Hogyoku gets to do whatever it wants, Hurt/Comfort, I created this problem so I could Fix it, I wrote this for me but I hope you enjoy it too, Ichigo goes from 0 dads to 3 Dads, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Mental Health Issues, Other, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Time Travel Fix-It, no beta we die like men, shameless self indulgent fic, support system
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-29 18:13:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20800799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iluvwind/pseuds/iluvwind
Summary: Kurosaki Ichigo had been gone a week, swiped from one second to the next from a street in Karakura without a trace left for them to follow. Now he was leaned against a tree in Soul Society and looked like he had been through hell. His robes were tattered and frayed as if years had passed, blood dripped from his limp left arm, and his hair was longer and uneven with knots of what she hoped was dirt and not clotted blood. His reiatsu was more wild and unthethered than she had ever seen.In the end, he fails to protect everyone but somehow Ichigo has found his way back and has a chance to fix what was destroyed. Including himself.





	1. Chapter 1

Ichigo was hunched over against one of the trees of Rugonkai. Rukia couldn’t believe it. He had been gone a week, swiped from one second to the next from a street in Karakura without a trace left for them to follow. Now he was leaned against a tree in Soul Society and looked like he had been through hell. His robes were tattered and frayed as if years had passed, blood dripped from his limp left arm, his hair was longer and uneven with knots of what she hoped was dirt and not clotted blood but his reiatsu was wild and untethered. Hollow energy swirled around him and was immediately reigned back in to keep the haze of power, anger and pain swirling around Ichigo in a protective shape. Whoever had taken him had hurt him.

Rukia signaled for the others to stay behind as she approached slowly hoping he would recognize her. “Ichigo?”

His head whipped around and Rukia found her gaze caught in Ichigo’s icy glare while his sword was held to her throat. He had barely moved. His other hand remained clamped against his left side. Rukia wondered if his hand wasn’t there if she could see part of his ribs.

“Is this a trick?” Ichigo asked bluntly. Rukia felt her jaw tick in irritation.

“I should be asking you that. You’ve been gone a week, Ichigo!” She snapped and batted the sword from her throat. Multiple low ranked Shinigami behind her gasped at the blatant disregard for the threat. “Now you’re back dripping blood and you act like you don’t know me? What the fuck Ichigo!”

Ichigo’s eyes narrowed. “What’s today?”

“April 22nd,” Rukia paused. “2001.”

Saying the year seemed to physically hurt Ichigo as he stepped back abruptly, Zangetsu dropping to his side. His eyes were wide and he pulled in a gasping breath. Rukia heard the wet slurp from his side and stepped forward. “Ichigo, you’re really hurt. How are you even standing?”

He turned his bewildered eyes on her. “I need to see my sisters.”

“Can we heal you first?” Rukia asked.

“After,” Ichigo choked on the word. He brought his wrist up to stifle his coughing but the blood still moved past his lips. Rukia tried not to focus on the scarred and bloody rings around his wrist. “I need to know they’re ok. That this is real.”

“Ichigo, what’s going on? Where have you been?”

“The future,” Ichigo stumbled and Rukia instinctively went to help him but Zangetus was thrust into the ground between her and Ichigo’s side. It halted his fall and effectively stopped her from touching him. “**_Don’t touch me._** _Not until _I’ve seen Yuzu and Karin.”

Rukia bit her lip. “Stop being an idiot, Ichigo. Let me hel-“

The sword was back at her throat and instead of the honey brown of Ichigo’s eyes, she was gazing into the hollow black and yellow. “**_Don’t touch me._**”

Rukia stepped back and watched as the black and yellow bled away. Ichigo heaved himself into a standing position, still slouched but under his own power. “Please, Rukia. I need to know.”

“Ok,” Rukia said. “Just…ok.”

//--\\\

Kisuke frowned at the gate that was about to open in his courtyard. Rukia had called with the good news of Ichigo’s reappearance and their imminent arrival but she had not sounded relieved or happy. Her request for the Kurosaki’s, all of the Kurosaki’s, to be present upon their arrival hadn’t helped the foreboding. The comment from her about boat load of sedatives made him sigh. Ichigo never made things easy. The door behind him slid open and Isshin walked forward to stand at his shoulder.

“Where’d they find him?”

“Rugonkai. In the outskirts,” Kisuke replied. “Leaving Yuzu-chan and Karin-chan behind?”

“If Ichigo is hurt, they don’t need to see how bad it is,” Isshin said. “Did they say where he’s been?”

“Not as of yet,” Kisuke murmured. “Once the others are here, I’m sure he’ll tell us.”

The kido around the gate blinked into life and began to open. Kisuke’s eyes narrowed as a muddled hollow signature tripped through the gate and to his knees. He managed to grab Isshin’s arm before the man took off towards his obviously injured son. “Kisuke, what are you-“

Kisuke ignored him and instead watched the Shinigami that were following Ichigo cautiously. Rukia was near Ichigo, just out of sword reach, but placed between the other Shinigami guards. Ichigo struggled to his feet, heaving breaths shaking his entire body. The shopkeeper’s frown deepened. Isshin noticed the scrutiny his friend was paying to the new arrivals and waited.

Rukia appeared to speak to Ichigo as he stumbled forward but didn’t move to help him. Ichigo was using Zangetsu as a crutch (of which they wondered if the zanpakto was asleep or screaming at him) and kept his other arm clamped against his side. The other Shinigami didn’t move forward but they did rest their hands on their zanpakto and their reiatsu flared in warning as they backed away into the gate and disappeared.

Isshin tensed as Kisuke dipped his head in thought. Rukia continued to walk nervously next to Ichigo’s halting gate until he fell to his knees and didn’t rise. Isshin moved forward and knelt in front of his son. The only thing holding him up was the sword jammed into the ground. Isshin felt fear well up in his chest as he didn’t recognize the sword in his son’s fist. He reached out to rest a hand on Ichigo’s shoulder but was stopped by Rukia.

“He doesn’t want to be touched,” Rukia said abruptly. Isshin looked up at Rukia after not being able to see through his son’s suddenly long hair. She looked afraid, eyeing Ichigo with a frown. “I… I think he’s hallucinating. Or at least he thinks he is.”

Isshin looked between his outstretched hand and his son. The boy shuddered and then looked up slightly. It was difficult for him, so difficult that Isshin couldn’t see any of his features still. “Where’s Yuzu and… Karin?”

“I didn’t want them to be frightened,” Isshin replied. “You’ve been gone a week, Ichigo. We were worried you were…”

Ichigo shook his head violently, raspy breaths escaping his chapped lips. “I **_have_ **to see them. Please.”

“Can you not sense them, Kurosaki-san?” Kisuke asked. He was standing just behind Isshin eyeing Ichigo critically. “They’re just inside my shop currently.”

Ichigo’s head raised, falling back on his neck as if it was too much energy to hold it upright. Tears slid down his cheeks, blood down his temples and chin, and his eyes were shifting between hollow black and yellow and his normal brown. “Please… I have to see them. Please.”

“Ichigo, Yuzu will barely be able to see you,” Isshin said. “Can’t it wait until we’ve healed you? At least changed your clothes? You’re a ragged mess.”

Ichigo choked on a sob and his head flopped forward. He began to leverage himself up from his knees, trying and failing to do so. His knees hit the ground with a small flush of dirt. Isshin reached forward and took Ichigo’s shoulders. The teen tried to jerk his sword free from the ground but his grasp was slick with blood and weak. “It’s going to be ok, Ichigo.”

Ichigo shook his head as Isshin brushed hair from his face. Rukia looked away to bring her emotions under control. “Please…. I have to know this is real. I have to see them. **_Please._**”

Black streaks of reiatsu flared around them. It flung the three of them back from Ichigo who forced himself to his feet, some strength returning as the reiatsu slipped away as quickly as it had appeared. He began his slow stumble to the front porch, leaving the nameless sword stuck in the ground. Kisuke, Isshin and Rukia quickly recovered from being thrown to the ground and followed him. They were steps from him when the front door opened to let Tessai through. Ichigo stopped dead as he caught sight of Yuzu and Karin. Karin’s eyes widened and she stopped the door from closing. “Ichi-ni?”

The breath left him as Yuzu looked at her sister and then out the door. Her eyes scanned over him like he was another patch of dirt and then looked back to their sister. “Where’s Ichi-ni, Karin-chan?”

Ichigo’s entire body jerked as his knees hit the ground. He gasped painfully and hunched forward. “It’s real. **_It’s real.”_**

Isshin rushed forward, shutting the door so Karin and Yuzu were locked inside. He turned to his son with irritated worry. The boy was hunched over, tugging at a knot at his waist. Rukia and Kisuke watched from nearby, the latter having shifted minutely to give Tessai an order. Ichigo tore the cloth from his body and Rukia gasped as his limp arm fell away to reveal Zangetsu embedded half way into Ichigo’s torso at an upward angle. In a swift motion, Ichigo slid the sword from his body in an arc of blood. Between pained gasps, he increased his grip on his Zanpakto where half of the blade was gone and replaced with the Hyoguku like a bad patch job.

“Kurosaki- san, how do you have that?” Kisuke asked.

“Get back,” Ichigo said. He husked in a bubbling breath. “Get back.”

“Ichigo, what are you doing?” Rukia asked.

“**_Get back!”_** Ichigo’s hollow voice yelled. Everyone jerked, eyes widening as Ichigo raised his zanpakto above his head and brought it down against the dirt with a scream. “**_TENSA ZANGETSU!”_**

Reiatsu exploded from the impact as well as the oily haze of the Hyoguku that was snuffed out by the blue, black and red of Ichigo’s attack. When the dust cleared, Ichigo was sprawled on his back unmoving. Zangetsu was whole again and lay next to his outstretched hand. The Hyoguku was disappearing as ash dissolves in the wind from the chunk that Ichigo had obliterated from it. Rukia was running as soon as she saw his chest wasn’t moving and blood was pooling beneath him. Isshin and Kisuke closing in on them quickly.

“Ichigo!” Rukia pressed her ear to Ichigo’s chest. She looked up at Isshin in tears. “He’s not breathing.”

“Move,” Isshin replied, hand falling to Ichigo’s jugular. He took in the damage that had been done to his son’s body as Kisuke lay a healing hand over Ichigo’s heart. Tessai joined him a moment later as Isshin cupped his son’s cheek. “Breathe, Ichigo. Come on.”

“Rukia-san, we need Unohana-taichou if we’re going to stabilize him,” Kisuke said. Rukia nodded, typing a message to Soul Society before returning to squeezing Ichigo’s hand. The scientist felt Ichigo’s heart give a sluggish beat, try again and stutter. Isshin was at Ichigo’s head delivering rescue breaths with an anxious control, his hands shaking as he tried to help his son. Ichigo took a sudden gasping breath and his heart thudded irregularly before leveling out beneath Kisuke’s kido. Isshin rubbed his eyes and then pressed his forehead to Ichigo’s.

“Just breathe,” He murmured, hands framing his son’s face. “It’s gonna be ok. Just breathe.”

Rukia perked up as Ichigo squeezed her hand back and his eyes flickered beneath his lids before they opened to look into his father’s. “O..Oya…ji..”

“Just breathe, Ichigo. You’re safe,” Isshin replied sitting up but not leaving contact with his son. Ichigo nodded slowly eyes sliding closed.

“’Ts real,” He whispered. “Is real.”

“Yeah, it’s real,” Isshin agreed. “You’re home. Stay with us.”


	2. Chapter 2

Unohana frowned down at Ichigo as she healed him. She had been ushered into a bedroom with supplies abound and Ichigo laid out on a cot with Rukia and Isshin speaking softly to him. She’d dismissed them with a soft smile. They had both hesitated but eventually left contact with him. Not before brushing long hair from his face.

After disappearing a week previously, he was in horrible shape. Punctured and deflated lung, multiple broken ribs, dislocated and broken arm, a small crack in his skull, and a chunk had been taken out of his thigh. Those were injuries she could begin to heal and alleviate the suffering the boy was under. She could not however, remove the scars that now littered his body from what she knew was either experimentation or torture. His friend Inoue may be able to help with those but for now Unohana focused on easing the still bleeding wounds.

Ichigo shifted beneath her hand, eyes sliding open in a fevered haze. Unohana hummed soothingly. “Welcome back, Kurosaki-san. It’s good to see you awake but sleeping will help you heal.”

“Where?” Ichigo gasped.

“Urahara’s shoten,” Unohana replied. “You need to stop speaking. I’m in the process of healing your lung.”

“Sis..sers?”

“They’re here,” Unohana said. “Once you’re stable, they’ll be able to come sit with you. Now rest.”

Ichigo slid back under the grip of exhaustion but his eyes stayed open. He was resting but alert in a way she had only seen on the most paranoid of captains or those in the midst of battle. She focused on her work, healing the worst of the bleeding, setting bones, and wrapping what would need some time to heal. Kisuke came into the room half way through her ministrations. Ichigo shifted just before the door opened, tensing in preparation to fight. The man walked over to his student and eyed the injuries she was treating. “Can I help you Urahara-san? You’re making my patient nervous.”

Kisuke looked down and tapped his fan against Ichigo’s forehead. “Ma Kurosaki-kun, back in the present. The future did not treat you well.”

“Geta-boshi,” Ichigo grumbled. Kisuke nodded as if Ichigo had scolded him.

“You can go to sleep, Ichigo. The Visored have arrived and are keeping everyone in place,” Kisuke said jokingly. He turned serious and left his fan on Ichigo’s forehead. “We will not let anything happen to you. Rest now.”

The kido enchantment on the end of the fan slid over Ichigo and the boy slumped boneless into the cot. Kisuke watched him sleep for several moments, noticing the changes in detail.

“Kon has been keeping his body in good health,” Kisuke said to Unohana.

“That should assist with his healing,” Unohana said. “This is going to take a while to heal regardless. He is malnourished, suffering from fatigue, and remnants of torture. He’s several years older.”

“Hmmm. That would support what Rukia said,” Kisuke replied. “How much would you say?”

“4-5 years,” Unohana said. “He has a fracture in his arm that has been healed for about 4 years. Scars that are a little older than that. They’ve been healed with time not kido or medicine.”

Kisuke frowned. “Almost done?”

“For now,” Unohana said. “He will need more healing sessions. It’s… much more than anyone should be able to live through. If I had not seen the things he could do, I would be more surprised.”

The healing green slipped from her hand and she let it fall to feel the rise of Ichigo’s bandaged chest. Kisuke’s kido spell had held, keeping Ichigo well and truly asleep. The shop owner was watching Ichigo with an unreadable expression. He said, “I’ve made up a room for him and his sisters to sleep in. Hopefully he’ll feel comfortable with them around.”

Unohana nodded. “I will head back to Soul Society. I’m sure the soutaicho will be looking forward to your report.”

Kisuke smiled demurely and dipped his head. “Thank you for your help, Unohana-Taicho.”

With the healer gone, Kisuke frowned down at Ichigo. The boy’s hand clenched in his sleep searching for a sword and his eyes rolled beneath his lids. When his breathing picked up, Kisuke stepped forward and rested a hand on his unbound shoulder. The boy jerked and his eyes rolled open. He tried to suck in a breath but his chest constricted against the pain and it left Ichigo gasping for air like a fish out of water. Kisuke hushed him gently but Ichigo rolled away from him, obviously still caught up in delirium. The shopkeeper sighed and pressed his fan to Ichigo’s forehead, activating the Kido. “Rest now. You’re safe here.”

//--\\\

Ichigo was floating, suspended in the air with cushions that reminded him of the shoten. He could almost feel Tessai’s calming aura thru the multiple kido spells around the house, Ururu’s subdued but powerful presence running from Jinta’s fiery burst, and Kisuke’s tightly compacted reiatsu that never really stayed in one place at a time. He liked dreams like this. He could escape and forget his reality. He wondered if he focused hard enough, maybe he could hold on to the dream long enough to feel his friends. Maybe Rukia would show up or if he was really lucky, he would open his eyes and he’d be at home with his sisters and Goat-face.

Pain swelled in his chest as he choked on the nostalgia. He wanted to be home. More than anything he wanted to wake up in his bedroom, to go to school after eating breakfast with his sisters and old man. Tears pricked at his eyes and a weight settled on his chest. Shiro’s voice was a fading warmth in the back of his skull compared to his normal booming storm, a testament to how drained they were. “Open your eyes, King. It’s not a dream.”

Ichigo obeyed on battle honed instinct. He was propped up on pillows in one of the Shoten’s rooms that had doors out into the courtyard. Kisuke had kept it for long term guests or for Yoruichi when she wanted space but to be near him. The doors were flung open now so that Yuzu and Karin could eat under the shade of the tree without leaving the room. Isshin was nearby playfully arguing with Shinji while they engaged in a small hand to hand contest. Kisuke and a bamboozled Rukia were on the porch playing some sort of game that Rukia was obviously fascinated in. He could feel several Visored and Shinigami in the underground training arena, reiatsu muted but flared in amused excitement. Tears spilled over and slid down his cheeks.

“It’s real,” He murmured. The warmth pressed at his back.

“We’re home, King,” Shiro replied. “It’s real.”

The relief washed over him in a wave and he sunk beneath the surface of consciousness. Sleep that had evaded him for weeks and months took its sweet time keeping him under. When he did emerge, it was because something was stabbing his side. A muffled grunt from Shiro that it was not his zanpakto embedded in his chest like they had planned brought him to the surface and to open his eyes. He was still propped in the same room but it was no longer the evening but midmorning. The pain sped up and slowed down in his side, up through his chest to his immobile shoulder. A moan of pain and annoyance escaped him as it settled into the joint, throbbing in time to his heart.

“Ichigo? Are you awake?” Rukia asked quietly. He turned his head, keeping it supported against the pillows. Rukia smiled breathlessly at him. “Are you ok? You…. Are you in pain?”

“Shoulder,” He mumbled as he fought for his eyes to stay open. Rukia said a quick incantation and reached over him. Ichigo flinched when she got to close to him.

“Don’t be a baby, Ichigo,” Rukia muttered. “I’m not even touching you.”

He smiled at the barb but didn’t have the energy to rise to it. His muscles loosened at the familiarity. Rukia’s healing kido soothed the sharp point of pain in his shoulder down to a warm burn.

“Your shoulder swelled up and it was pulling on the gash in your chest,” Rukia explained as she pulled her hand away. “Is that better?”

Ichigo nodded once. He licked his lips realizing how thirsty he was. “Sisters?”

“Yuzu is in the kitchen. Karin was harassing Jinta and helping out front I think,” Rukia said, bringing a cup of water to his lips. “If you’re going to stay awake, I can go get them.”

Ichigo nodded despite feeling his eyes slipping closed. Rukia shoved the cup into his hand with a small pat. The door slid open and closed as he dozed off, the water dribbling from the cup. A thunder of feet down the hall jerked him awake, the cup spilling out of his hand as he panicked and doubled over in pain. His sisters were at the door and throwing themselves into his side and around his neck.

“Ichi-ni!” He couldn’t feel the pain when he wrapped his arm around as much of his sisters as he could. Ichigo pressed his head down into theirs. “I’m so glad you’re awake!”

He pulled them as tightly as he could to him and tried to quell a sob. He knew he had failed when Karin hugged him tighter and Yuzu lifted her head to rub the tears from his face. “We’re here, Ichi-ni. No one is going to take you from us.”

Ichigo nodded and Yuzu nuzzled back into the sibling hug. A hand pressed down on Ichigo’s head and moved to his uninjured shoulder as Isshin joined them. Ichigo was breathless with sobs and only able to lean his head against his father’s chest. The man hummed a small sigh of relief and wrapped all three of his children in his arms. Ichigo slipped asleep with tears still on his cheeks and his family surrounding him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It Gets Worse, Before It Gets Better

Ichigo jerked awake when the moon was high in the sky. Remnants of his nightmare picked at his skin and he tried to push himself up on the pillows. He gripped the sheets and stubbornly pulled them off of his legs. The buzz of adrenaline and urgency made him lightheaded. Ichigo grunted as he swung his legs over the side of the bed. He ended up leaning against the pillows, almost sideways, too exhausted to move.

“Whatcha doing, Ichigo?” Isshin asked from his bed roll at the foot of Ichigo’s cot. He rubbed his eyes and sat next to Ichigo on the bed. Ichigo heaved a deep breath but didn’t rise from the pillows.

“I… this is real?” He murmured.

“Yes,” Isshin replied. “Your sisters are sleeping on the other side of the bed. We’re at the Shoten. Kisuke, Tessai, and Hachi have put up additional wards on this room and the shop. The Visored are on patrol right now of Kakakura and the Shoten. Several Shinigami are helping. It’s all real.”

“Done this before?” Ichigo asked. Isshin chuckled.

“Couple of times now. You have an infection and the fever is causing some delirium,”

“Right,” Ichigo muttered. He looked down at his immobilized arm. “Swords gone?”

“Yes. You took care of that before you collapsed,” Isshin said. “Do you want something to drink?”

Ichigo nodded tiredly. Isshin helped him sit up and gave him a glass of water from beneath the bed. They lulled into silence until Ichigo had finished the cup. “How long have I been back?”

“About 4 days,” Isshin said, taking the cup. He rested the back of his hand against Ichigo’s forehead. “The infection set in yesterday. Combo of malnutrition, stress, and your injuries. I don’t care who you are, Ichigo, shoving a sword in your chest and then walking around like nothing is wrong is idiotic.”

Ichigo leaned into his dad. “Reckless.”

“Yeah, it’s reckless too,” Isshin grumbled. “Idiotic, reckless, hairbrained. Every other adjective for not thinking it through. You could have died. By your own damn sword.”

“Had to do it,” Ichigo murmured. Isshin sighed and threw his arm over Ichigo’s shoulder, careful to avoid his immobilized shoulder. He pulled his son into his chest and breathed in his shampoo.

“Probably,” Isshin said. “Glad you’re back regardless. Would prefer if your fever would go down.”

“Working on it,” Ichigo said. “Glad ‘m back.”

Isshin ran his hand through Ichigo’s hair pensively. Ichigo was about to drop off to sleep against his father’s shoulder when his body tensed and he sat back up. “Girls are behind you, Ichigo. Let’s get you back in bed.”

“He kills everyone,” Ichigo murmured. “Because I’m not there. He took me from here and…”

“It’s ok, Ichigo,” Isshin said. He lifted his son’s head by the chin to look into his eyes. “You’ll be there to stop it. We’ll be there to support you. For now, you need to sleep.”

“I- Dad,”

“I’m not going anywhere, Ichigo,” Isshin replied. “Masaki and I are watching over you. Sleep now.”

Ichigo frowned at him. He had so much he had to do. He couldn’t rest not when the future could happen at any moment. He needed to make his father understand. Shiro hummed petulantly. “We need to be at 100%, King. I’m not losing again. Rest. We’ve waited long enough for it.”

Ichigo swallowed and hung his head. “I just…. We need to be ready, Oyaji. We have to.”

“We will be, Ichigo,” Isshin said. “That starts with you resting.”

Ichigo gripped his father’s wrist and tired to calm his panic. He pressed his forehead into the crook of his father’s neck. Isshin rubbed his thumb gently across the bridge of Ichigo’s knuckles, hand resting atop his son’s grasp on his own arm. He’d stay there as long as he needed to which from the way Ichigo forced himself to stay awake was going to be well into the morning. His eldest would jerk, his grip on Isshin’s wrist tightening in worry, whenever sleep pulled him under. Shiro lost patience at 4am. He materialized in a hazy hush. Isshin jerked upright, reaching for his sword. The hollow grinned but his image waivered.

“King doesn’t sleep well,” Shiro said. “Too much silence and darkness.”

“Is that why you’re so transparent?” Isshin asked. Shiro grinned threateningly.

“We used a lot of power to get back here,” Shiro said. “I’m the only reason we’re still alive.”

Isshin frowned as Shiro’s form waivered again. Ichigo was nearly asleep, slowly melting into his father. Isshin wondered if he was aware of his hollow materializing. “What happened?”

“He captured us. Experimented on us and then he killed each and every one of you in front of him. One by one. Until… he took King’s sisters in front of him. It got hazy after that,” Shiro seemed to hesitate, winking out of existence and back before Isshin’s eyes. The anger never ebbed from the hollow, wavering the image of him just as much as his lack of reiatsu. “King didn’t sleep after that. He only screamed. That was almost a year ago.”

Isshin pulled his son’s body closer to him. It was hard to hear even the basics. “We won’t let that happen.”

“King won’t let it happen,” Shiro growled. “We’ll die first.”

Isshin nodded. “I am going to help him.”

Shiro smiled ferally. “He’s mine to protect.”

“Good luck doing it without us,” Isshin replied. “Why are you materializing if you’re so drained?”

“To force King to sleep,” Shiro said. “I’m pulling as much reiatsu from him as I can so he will have to sleep.”

Isshin looked at him in shock. “He’s sick. You’re going to make it worse!”

“He is **_mine,_**” Shiro snarled even as he disappeared in a smoky wisp. “I know how to help him rest.”

The hollow dissipated before Isshin could reply. Ichigo was leaned up against Isshin’s side, dead to the world. He assumed he was a step from being completely unconscious but he was resting. Isshin resumed his rhythmic stroking of Ichigo’s brutalized knuckles, leaving his wrist in Ichigo’s grip. He’d be there for when Ichigo woke up; screaming or otherwise.

//--\\\

“Ichigo,” A foot nudged him and Ichigo jerked upright. He groaned and sunk back into the pillows as pain and tight muscles screamed for him to stop moving. Isshin was standing next to him, 2 treys of food balanced in his hands. Yuzu and Karin were behind him with their own treys. “Evening. It’s dinner time and you’re still a growing boy.”

He set the trey on Ichigo’s outstretched legs and the twins took places on either side of him. Ichigo eyed the food wearily. A bowl of soup, some bread, an apple, and a glass of juice. His stomach constricted on him as he slowly reached for the bread. His hand shook but he picked up the piece of bread and dunked it in the soup. He looked to Yuzu, his voice rough from sleep. “You made this right?”

She nodded. “It’s one of Kaa-san’s recipes! Uruhara-san offered some advice but I told him it’s the only thing you eat when you’re sick.”

“Geta-boshi had a lot of weird suggestions for the soup,” Karin scrunched her face in distaste. “Almost as bad as Goat-face.”

“My own children,” Isshin cried into his bowl of curry. Ichigo smiled at the nostalgia of being home. He took a bite out of the soup soaked bread and nearly shoved the whole thing into his mouth. Starvation sucked. Warzones sucked. The future sucked. Isshin was still crying. The girls were yelling in protest. His hand clamped around the trey in front of him as he stared into the bowl of soup which had morphed into a bowl of sludgy gruel that a stark white hand was trying to feed him from. Another white hand was holding his arms behind his back as the spoon came closer and all he heard was his sisters’ yells. Ichigo jerked involuntarily when a warm hand touched his arm and his entire vision shifted from the hollowed out white of Hueco Mundo to the warm earth tones of the shoten.

“Ichigo, focus on my voice,”

“Wha-“ Ichigo couldn’t form the words. His chest was too tight and the wind was screaming past him. He fumbled for a grip on something and another warm hand found his, gripping it tightly. What was happening?

“Ichigo, tell me something you feel,” The voice said again.

“Blanket,” He gasped. It was scratchy and constricting, he neeed it _off._ The hand squeezed his to pull his focus from the blanket.

“Good. Something you smell?”

“Curry,” He felt a knot form in his stomach, squeezing nausea into his throat. It was already to clogged for him to breathe so he choked. He’d been eating with… His stomach rolled. The voice spoke softly still.

“Tell me something you hear,”

“Voice,” Ichigo croaked. He could barely hear it over the roaring in his ears. “Gon be sick.”

“Keep focusing on me,” His hand was pulled to a chest and held there as it breathed. “Breathe with me. In and out.”

Ichigo clamped his eyes closed as he tried to focus. He was dizzy and felt like he was falling; nausea was welling up, begging his throat to alleviate the building pressure. The voice was still there, easy and reassuring. “Ichigo, tell me another thing you can feel.”

“Heartbeat,”

“Good. Focus on it,” To emphasize, the hand began to tap against Ichigo’s wrist to the same beat as the stranger’s heart. Ichigo lost himself in the rhythm, his chest feeling less constricted. His shoulders loosened and fell from their tense shrug. His immobilized shoulder gave one punch of pain before dulling to the background. Ichigo took a full breath and the dizziness began to abate. “There you go. Open your eyes.”

Ichigo did slowly, still fighting nausea. He was so tired and his heart was beating so fast. Everything hurt. It was too bright and everything was too loud. He didn’t think he could quell his stomach much longer.

“I know it’s bright but tell me something you see,” The voice he realized was attached to blond hair. Familiar blond hair. Ichigo sucked in a shaky breath and hung his head.

“Shinji,”

“Welcome back, Strawberry,” Shinji grinned. “Tell me something you hear.”

“Shiro,” Ichigo could hear him now. The hyprid was a snarling ember inside his head, his yells had been the wind he had heard.

“Idiot,” Shiro snarled. “Don’t scare me like that. I’m not healed enough yet.”

Shinji accepted the information. “Something you feel?”

“Tired,” Ichigo replied. “’M ok.”

“You don’t get to be the judge of that, Ichigo,” Shinji said. He set Ichigo’s arm back in his lap. “Not right now.”

“Wha happened?” He asked sluggishly.

“You had a panic attack,” Shinji explained. “Your reiatsu control slipped. I’ve been trying to get you back for about 10 minutes.”

“I… wha?” Ichigo felt like he’d just run a 100-mile dash without shunpo. His body was lead. His stomach sinking like an anchor. “Wheresisters?”

“They’re in another room right now,” Shinji replied. He leveled the younger Visored with a steady glare. “Your reiatsu is deafening. You could have killed someone.”

Ichigo swallowed, breathing through his nose. “I… I haven’t had to control it. There was…there was no one around to feel it.”

Shinji tilted his head questioningly. “Ichigo, where were you?”

“10 years from now,” Ichigo said. “I spent 5 years there. Until…”

“The Hyogoku,” Kisuke said from the doorway. He held a pitcher of water and a cup in his hands. “Brought you some water.”

Ichigo accepted the water. He sipped it but only enough to wet his lips. His stomach flip flopped and he nearly gagged. “It was the only way.”

“To smuggle the Hyogoku inside your own body?” Shinji asked.

“Zangetsu took control of it and I ran,” Ichigo said. “It couldn’t connect to me since Zangetsu was fighting it but since it was inside me, Aizen couldn’t get it.”

“That’s… extreme, Kurosaki-kun,” Kisuke said.

“I’d spent 5 years there under his thumb,” Ichigo growled. “It wasn’t the most extreme thing I had done.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Shinji asked. Ichigo laughed meekly.

“No,” He said flatly. He had to clench his teeth to stop from vomiting.

“It might help with the panic attacks,” Shinji offered. Ichigo met his eyes.

“Later,” He said. “Are my sisters ok?”

“They’re in with Hachi and Tessai,” Kisuke supplied. “They’ve erected a shield against your reiatsu.”

Ichigo paled. His stomach dropped out and he gasped. His vision tunneled and the panic that had been slipping away came back with full force. Shinji was inside the tunnel with him, one hand around his neck, the other gripping his good hand. Shiro sneered, searing the back of his skull to help him focus. It wasn’t helping. Ichigo shook his head as he lost the battle with his body and threw up. Somehow, Shinji directed a trashcan into his arms and Ichigo heaved acid, and water into it.

“You have to calm down, Ichigo,” Shinji squeezed his neck to emphasize his point. Ichigo coughed around more nausea and tears pricked at his eyes. “Everyone is fine. They’re scared. Everyone is worried about you. If you don’t control this, you are going to hurt them instead of worrying them. Now _breathe._”

Ichigo sucked in such a deep scared breath. He thought he was going to pass out from the head rush but the nausea abated momentarily. His head fell forward with the rush of oxygen and Shinji rolled his eyes. “Not like that, idiot. Don’t you know anything?”

Ichigo snorted and took a more measured breath, pushing the trashcan away. “More than you.”

“Pft. You go to the future and come back with such an attitude,” Shinji grumbled. The Visored kept his hand on Ichigo’s neck and as he came down from the panic, the hand took more and more of Ichigo’s weight. Ichigo leaned into it as Shiro groaned and slid away to rest with a snarky comment. Without his zanpakto to support him, his body ached with a bone deep throb. With the nausea disappearing, he just wanted to sleep away the fear and panic. There was little stopping him as sleep tugged at him.

Another set of hands rested on his forehead and brushed his hair from it. He opened his eyes in bewilderment not realizing they had closed. Isshin and Kisuke were talking over him but he couldn’t hear the words. Shinji was still supporting his head and holding his hand. He felt color on his cheeks from embarrassment but he couldn’t move. He was just too tired. His eyes slid closed again, the thrum of panic still running along his skin. It was eased by Shinji’s presence and he let himself float in exhaustion. He felt like an overstretched rubber band left out in the sun, stretched too thin but melting all the same.

A small jolt of movement made Ichigo open his eyes. Everything was hazy and he tried to focus but his eyes kept closing. Isshin’s face swam into view and forced Ichigo to look at him. “Ich-go? Can – hear me? -igo?”

Ichigo closed his eyes tightly and opened them as he was lifted into Shinji’s arms. Isshin had taken over supporting his head and Ichigo tried to focus on him. His father was still speaking. “-taking you – spring. It’ll help – your fever spi- goin- okay.”

He let his head fall into his father’s hands and curled his aching side into Shinji’s chest. He was out before Shinji got to the trap door.


	4. Chapter 4

Ichigo stared at Yoruichi who was lounging naked next to him in the training ground spring. He felt her hands keeping him afloat. “I’m not naked am I?”

Yaruichi smiled her alluring grin. “And if you were?”

Ichigo rolled his eyes skyward as his cheeks reddened. “Seriously. Yes or no?”

“You’re still wearing your underpants. Don’t get them in a twist,” She cooed. “The springs work better if you’re nude though. We could always fix that.”

Ichigo groaned and hoped he sunk beneath the water. He was too tired to run from her right now. “If I let go will you be able to not drown or should I move you to the stairs?”

“Stairs,” Ichigo replied. “Might fall back asleep.”

“Are you feeling any better?” She asked as they moved through the water. Ichigo shrugged and nearly sunk beneath the water as he buckled under the pain. His shoulder was a lead ball of pain shooting into his chest like lightning strikes. He gasped against the pain and sucked in a lungful of water. Yaruichi pulled him up and against her body as he coughed. Ichigo lost time as the pain danced with every cough and stars danced in his eyes. He tried to grab his arm to support it but had little strength to hold it. Yaruichi was still pressed against him but he was being pulled out of the spring with hasty care. He needed to get control of himself. He couldn’t keep losing time like this. It was too dangerous.

Ichigo was carefully laid down on a fouton to protect him from the dirt of the training grounds. Kisuke leaned over him, fan twirling worriedly. “Ma Kurosaki-kun. You’re quite the handful.”

Ichigo coughed up more water. Isshin helped him sit up so he could breathe easier and didn’t continue to choke. Ichigo groaned as his shoulder shifted, failing to grab it as he moved. “Let’s immobilize it, ok Ichigo?”

Isshin didn’t wait for Ichigo to acknowledge him. He pinned the aching appendage to Ichigo’s side, shifting the joint into the correct placement. Ichigo gasped, his good arm grabbing his knee to keep him from stopping his dad. He bit his lip, tasting blood. Once Isshin had his arm bandaged to Ichigo’s bare torso, the iron ball of pain had lessened considerably to a sharp ache. Ichigo took several deep breaths through his nose and ran his hand through his bangs. “Fuck that hurt.”

“You’ve basically shattered the ball and socket,” Isshin replied as he checked over the bandages for anything that would cause Ichigo discomfort. “Without your regeneration, it’s going to be fairly painful. Keeping it immobile will help. For now anyways.”

Ichigo nodded. Kisuke sat in front of him, eyes sharp from beneath his hat. Ichigo tried to ignore the scrutiny. “How do you feel?”

Ichigo pursed his lips as he took stock. The water had helped. He could already feel the difference in his muscles. The small tears and aches were gone. The gash on his side was smaller and his leg could probably hold him if he needed it to. The exhaustion was still present. The fever was gone. Everything still felt like he was moving through sludge. Shiro was more present but still a far cry from offering up his regeneration. He felt the sludge too and the frustration made Ichigo edgy. “Better. Exhausted and heavy.”

“Heavy?”

“Like I’m moving through sludge or jello. Whatever metaphor works,”

Kisuke hummed. “The amount of time you have spent unconscious should have replenished your reiatsu reserves enough for you to heal. Not necessarily your shoulder but your other injuries, blood, and metabolism. You’re healing at a normal human rate. It’s…. concerning.”

“You actually concerned, Kisuke?” Shinji asked. “Or just pleasantly intrigued?”

“I can be both. Especially in the case of Kurosaki-kun,” Kisuked smirked. “Ma Kurosaki-kun, have your injuries been healing recently?”

Ichigo tilted his head in thought. Shiro twisted and grumbled. “Tell the creep I took care of it.”

“Shiro says he took care of it,” Ichigo repeated. “I don’t really remember.”

“Ichigo, I think we need to hear what happened when you were in the future,” Shinji said. “It sounds like it’s affecting you physically.”

Ichigo frowned. “I don’t think hearing about Aizen’s favorite brand of torture is going to tell you much.”

“What do you remember?” Kisuke asked. Ichigo tensed as memories flashed with chains tightening around his wrists.

“I was chained up,” Ichigo said blankly. “And he marched everyone out day by day to have them executed in front of me. Until… until he-“

Ichigo’s mouth went dry. He could see their dead bodies. Yuzu looked just like mom had, long hair, pooled around her head. They’d stripped her of her Quincy charm, slicing a gash into her forearm with it. Karin was in a shikhakso, sword broken in half but her kido had caused them trouble it looked like. Her face was bruised, jaw nearly dislocated. Ichigo had burned with rage. His sisters died crying out to him. It had been the first time they had seen each other in 8 years in this timeline and they had begged him to be ok. Begged him to know they had gone down fighting. Just like him. They were fighters. They were crying because they got to see him one last time.

Ichigo choked on a sob, wrapping his arm around his head. He could still hear the screams of the other imprisoned Shinigami, helpless as the two youths were killed. It was all drowned out by his own scream. A hollow scream. He hugged himself tighter as the desolation echoed inside of him until there was nothing but blank emptiness hollowing him out.

He jerked back to reality when a hand rested on his shoulder. He felt like his entire being was empty. It was cold and desolate. A shiver ran down his spine and a blanket replaced the hand. A cup of soup was pressed into his hand. Ichigo looked up slowly. Shinji and Kisuke were gone; replaced by Rukia. Another shiver ran down his spine. Yaruichi and his father were gone as well. His relief at seeing her was short lived. “How long?”

“Bout 20 minutes,” She said. “You had a flashback, right? I have those too. It’s… unnerving to lose time. Drink the soup.”

Ichigo followed the order as Rukia continued. “I got them about Kaien. Out of nowhere sometimes. Perfect sunny day and I’d fall back into that rainy nightmare. Even Nii-sama couldn’t bring me out of them but he was always there when I did come out of them. With tea and a blanket. He’d sit with me and we’d watch the cherry blossoms fall. Sometimes he’d have his zanpakto dance with them if they weren’t completely in bloom. I think… I think it reminded him of when Hisana was sick. He couldn’t help her either. I always told him it made me feel better knowing he would be there. The flashbacks… they don’t show any mercy and it’s hard to reason that your own body would be so willing to betray you in such a way.”

Rukia smiled through tears. “You don’t deserve this on top of everything else, Ichigo. I don’t want this to be what breaks you. Tell me how I can help. Please.”

Ichigo faltered with an I’m fine or comforting her. It felt unnatural now, like he was inhabiting someone else’s space. He wasn’t a protector anymore. Hadn’t been for nearly a year. How could you be a protector when you had lost everyone you were meant to protect? What was he now?

He set the soup down and hung his head. He let out a small gasping sob. “He took everything, Rukia. He killed all of you and those he didn’t kill… I think… I…He killed Yuzu and Karin and I… I don’t remember. Ossan was consumed, Shiro tried to stop me but I…. I think… I woke up and.. I was alone. Just like he wanted. I…. I failed. I failed everyone.”

Rukia wrapped her arms around him. Ichigo clung to her and sobbed. “It’s going to be ok, Ichigo. As long as it takes. You’re home now.”


	5. Chapter 5

Ichigo sat up from where he had fallen asleep, the unease of his surroundings pulling him from sleep and into readiness from one second to the next. Rukia was sitting up on her knees next to him, ready for attack. Multiple Visored, Shinigami, and members of the shoten were scattered around. Everyone was looking up. Isshin was sitting with his back to Ichigo, Yuzu and Karin between their brother and father. A wave of unease swept over Ichigo and Shiro stirred. The roof above them shuttered and the hatch opened.

“What’s it look like?” Isshin asked.

“Three espada,” Shinji replied, shaking rubble from his clothes. “Looks more like recon and ta cause havoc.”

The reiatsu Ichigo felt for the few seconds the door was open sent shivers down his spine. He shoved himself to his feet. Rukia grabbed his elbow when he stumbled. “What are you doing?”

“They’re not normal Espada,” He murmured. “_He’s_ out there.”

Ichigo closed his eyes and focused on the different ribbons of reiatsu. Rukia’s reply to him was lost as he searched. He bypassed his friends’ ribbons with a heavy heart and let his focus fly further. The three ribbons came into view and Ichigo memorized what direction they were in. His instincts would do the rest. He felt Shiro bolster his body.

“I can heal your leg and chest, King. Don’t let them hit you,” Shiro grumbled in his mind. “I doubt there will be much of a fight at this point.”

Ichigo opened his eyes and looked to Rukia holding him up. His sisters were in front of him. They looked at him with fear and despair as he knelt in front of them. He took a steadying breath.

“This is only the beginning,” He said to them. “I… I am not going to let anything I saw in the future happen. Don’t be afraid. I won’t let anything happen to you. None of you. I won’t fail this time.”

Rukia gripped his shoulder tightly at the words. Yuzu and Karin hugged him and wouldn’t let him go. “Ichi-ni, you never fail us.”

“We’re not afraid for us, idiot.”

He almost caved then. He held them closer to alleviate the pressure to stay. He never wanted to leave them. Just watch them grow up. Help Yuzu open a restaurant, train with Karin so she could go to school for soccer, and work at the clinic with his dad. He hugged them close, wishing the hairs on the back of his neck weren’t sticking up as he felt _his_ reiatsu. He wished his blood wasn’t thrumming with the desire for battle. He wished he didn’t feel elation at the prospect of a fight. Ichigo held his sisters’ closer and wished he could block out the world. The reiatsu flared again and Ichigo turned to Rukia, pressing his face into Yuzu’s hair.

“Tell everyone to come down here. I don’t want them getting hurt when I fight,”

“You don’t have to face them alone, Ichigo,” Rukia said. “We have people ready to help.”

“I know!” Ichigo snarled. He took a steadying breath. Yuzu smelled of spices and oil. It centered him and he spoke calmly. “I know I have people to help me but I can’t control my reiatsu right now.”

He stood up, resting his hand on Karin’s head before he held it out and Zangetsu materialized in his hand, beating with rage. Rukia went to rebuke him but Ichigo met her eyes. “I’m not going to let my friends die.”

Rukia clammed up and Ichigo _knew_ that she understood what he was saying. He bit his tongue hard enough he tasted blood. He looked up to the trap door and stepped away from the small group. Zangetsu pulsed ominously with reiatsu. Ichigo tested his leg as he bent his knees, feeling the change in the muscle’s strength. Shiro growled in desire. “Make them pay, King.”

Ichigo stepped into Shunpo and disappeared.

He appeared in front of the three of them, hovering a half mile above Karakura town. His arm was pinned tight to his body, useless but out of the way. His other arm held Zangetsu in a ready grip. The three espada laughed. “It seems we have someone to play with after all.”

“Isn’t this the bosses pet project? Orange hair, angry scowl? Thought he had two arms though.”

“He looks too pretty to be the monster Aizen said he was,” Ichigo clenched his teeth and looked up at the three. Images of them from the future reflected in his eyes. Their taunts rang in his ears. They’d captured his friends here, effectively starting the war. The shoten had been destroyed. His friends and family scattered. His reiatsu slipped as his sisters’ last moments played over in his head. It was crushing, the guilt fueling the power. He wouldn’t let it happen.

Ichigo’s reiatsu swept over everything, a crushing black that slipped and clung to whatever it encountered. The espada were dead at Ichigo’s sword, brutally and without mercy long before they were able to recover from the high pressure. Ichigo barely felt their reiatsu disappear over the roaring in his ears. He knew they had been screaming but it had been drowned out by his own furious yells. He’d hacked without finesse, just a desire to end them. To stop them. To stop the future from coming to be. It felt familiar and while he had decimated his enemies, it felt like he’d lost part of himself to readily. Ichigo screamed himself hoarse as he sunk to the ground and eventually to his knees, the espada disappearing around him. Pressing himself forward over his kness, he tried to quell the sobs. Horror, blood and screams played over and over; images he remembered through a haze of hollow bloodlust and hunger.

“I’ve always enjoyed you like this,” Aizen’s voice spoke from behind him. “A primal beast ready to destroy and obliterate all in your path.”

Ichigo froze with constricted lungs. Fear curdled his stomach and he battled being sick. His mind raced for possibilities. There had to be a way out of this. Aizen’s voice made him flinch.

“Ichigo? Don’t tell me you’ve come down from your battle high already?” Aizen continued. “I didn’t think you had that level headedness yet.”

Ichigo turned, arching Zangetsu where he placed Aizen to be to cleave him in two. The man took several steps back to avoid the sword. He smiled at Ichigo with placid enjoyment. “My my. What has happened to you? I didn’t believe my counterpart when he told me of his timeline but don’t you look the part.”

“I killed you in that timeline,” Ichigo snarled. “I’ll kill you in this one.”

“All in due time, Ichigo,” Aizen said. “I’m in no hurry but my curiosity was peaked. Killing so many of your friends and family. I had to see what you became because of it.”

“I..How would you know that?” Ichigo growled.

“I went to look,” Aizen replied. “As I said, my curiosity was peaked. What a mess you left.”

“I… I don’t remember,” Ichigo snarled. “You don’t know!”

He sounded unsure even to his own ears and Ichigo double downed on defending himself. Aizen only looked more pleased. “It’s of no matter, Ichigo. It just means that it can be done.”

“What can?”

“Breaking you,” Aizen grinned his too straight smile filled with promise and hope. “I can’t wait to find out what that point is.”

“I won’t let you!” Ichigo leapt forward, Zangetsu red with power only to slide right through the spot Aizen had been. Aizen’s voice ruffled the hair just around his ear.

“Soon, Ichigo. You will realize how much alike we are,” Ichigo whipped around searching for him but he saw and felt nothing. Aizen was gone. Ichigo fell to his knees and gagged. He knew what Ichigo had done. _He knew._ Ichigo screamed in fear and rage. The gagging turned to retching to hyperventilating. _He had betrayed everyone. He had failed and **Aizen **knew. _

There were small bursts of raietus signaling several people coming out of Shunpo. A hand gently touched Ichigo’s back and he jerked, curling in on himself. Shiro hissed inside his head. “It’s the goat face, shady perv and grinning perv. Other fucker is gone.”

He wanted to laugh at the names but it hurt to breathe. Isshin was rubbing his back soothingly. “What happened Ichigo?”

“Aizen,” Ichigo gasped through his tears. “Aizen was here. He…he knows.” 

“Knows what?” Kisuke asked.

“You don’t have to tell them anything right now. You need to breathe,” Shiro seethed, his selfish protectiveness a sharp jab of clarity for Ichigo. Ichigo gasped around another choking gag. Isshin gripped his good shoulder to steady him.

“Easy, Ichigo,” He murmured. “It’s ok. It’s going to be ok.”

“It’s not,” Ichigo shook his head and let out a choking sob. “It’s not. He killed Yuzu and Karin and I… I broke. I failed… and I…I don’t know! When I woke up…I… Everyone was gone and I… I think…”

He choked on his own saliva again and his body felt too heavy for his arm to hold. Isshin’s hands were still supporting him. Shinji was squatting in front of him, eyeing him critically. Some part of him knew Kisuke was watching nearby like the sentinel he was. Ichigo tried to breathe but he only succeeded in letting out another gasping sob. “I think I killed them.

I broke and I killed everyone.”


	6. Chapter 6

Of all the things Ichigo could have said, Isshin wasn’t prepared for that. Ichigo trembled beneath his hands. His daughters had died, killed to break his son. He felt the need to be sick along with him. Shinji leaned forward slightly, trying to get into Ichigo’s field of vision as Isshin recovered from shock.

“Ichigo, you need ta look at me,” Ichigo shook his head and gagged against a breath. “Ichigo. Tell me something you hear.”

Ichigo continued to ignore Shinji. His breath skittered farther and farther out of his control. His reiatsu was spiraling. The visored sat back on his heels and looked up at Kisuke. “Got any tricks up your sleeves? He’s gonna pass out soon. Or his reiatsu is going ta implode on us.”

The shopkeeper hung his head slightly and splayed his fan closed. He touched it to Ichigo’s forehead. “Rest now.”

The boy dropped into Isshin’s arms. The man had sufficiently overcome his shock but still looked down to Ichigo’s limp form with exasperated confusion. Shinji watched Isshin turn Ichigo to his back and pull him close. “You think it’s true?”

Kisuke shrugged. “It doesn’t matter really. Ichigo believes it to be true. The only one who can refute it is him, his zanpakto or the hollow. I don’t believe either is in much of a state to calm fears at the moment.”

“His fever is back,” Isshin added. “He should have healed more by now. Regardless of infection or malnourishment. Something is blocking his regeneration.”

“I believe it’s Ichigo himself causing that issue,” Kisuke said. He was watching Ichigo with a sadness born from too much knowledge. “A subconscious reaction to his own guilt. You can feel it in his reiatsu; the pain and regret. It’s preventing him from regenerating. Most likely why his hollow is having trouble reforming as well.”

“Guess there is only one thing ta do then,” Shinji said. “We’re going to have ta get him ta accept the guilt.”

“Do pigs fly in Soul Society now?”

//--\\\

Ichigo watched Karin and Jinta practice in the courtyard. Yuzu was next to him doing her homework diligently while taking breaks to text her classmates and friends. He’d woken after the arrancar attack with ants under his skin, blood under his nails that he couldn’t clean away, and a headache giving him double vision from dehydration. Isshin had hooked him up to an IV without asking before he had gone to the clinic to work. It tethered Ichigo to the porch but he felt like he needed to be chained.

His heart thudded against his rib cage and Ichigo inhaled sharply. The chains around his neck, arms and ankles had been cold blocks of weight. He’d barely been able to breathe some days if even able to lift his head. Yuzu’s voice broke through the haze of the flashback. He focused on her abruptly and with a bit too much intensity. She smiled through it. God Ichigo loved her.

“Neh, Ichi-ni, do you know the answer to this one?” Yuzu said pointing out a question on her science homework. Ichigo read it and gave her the answer he vaguely remembered. “You’re so smart Ichi-ni.”

He tried to smile but he knew it came out as a grimace. Since waking, his sisters were nearby and always in the compound. It made him feel better knowing they were close but also selfishly he knew if he was watching them, nothing bad would happen. To any of them. Fractured arm or not. Everyone had obviously picked up on it because they were always making sure there was room for the twins or that they were all in the same space together. It burned in embarrassment. Yuzu wrapped up her homework and checked the time.

“What do you want for dinner, Ichi-ni?” His stomach rolled at the thought. He shrugged his good shoulder.

“Whatever you feel like, Yuzu,” He smiled gently at her. “It’ll be good regardless.”

“How bout rice and oatmeal?” Yuzu grinned. “I’ll add cinnamon and apple slices. It’ll taste great.”

Ichigo nodded passively. “Thanks Yuzu.”

She grinned before walking off to the kitchen. Ichigo watched his dark haired sister until Yuzu’s place was filled. They didn’t leave him alone for any length of time. He was thankful for it. His brain kept spiraling out of his control; it was only now he realized how out of it he was. Even though the shoten was nigh impenetrable and they had doubled the kido wards around the perimeter, Ichigo was jumping at shadows. Anything out of the ordinary, made him tense in preparation to fight. His muscles ached with the constant fatigue.

Kisuke was the one who had taken up the seat next to him. The ex shinigami sat silently next to him like he normally did; Always silent and calculating. The comfort in each other’s presence hadn’t disappeared. Yet another thing that Ichigo was thankful for even though it had been no time for Kisuke and years for him.

Ichigo hadn’t been there for his death. Yoruichi had told him before she died how he had given the twins a fighting chance. Helped them train, hide their reiatsu, become ghosts like he did but still manage normal lives. His last act had been to make sure they were hidden from everyone except a scarce few. It had bought them another 6 months. Ichigo’s hand trembled and he struggled not to materialize Zangetsu to hold onto. That would signal he was not ok. He needed to do this alone. Ichigo exhaled loudly as he tried to calm himself down.

“Do you want to spar, Kurosaki-Kun?” Ichigo whipped around, twinging his shoulder in the process. Kisuke was watching the soccer match placidly. “It might help with your nerves.”

“I can barely walk,” Ichigo snorted. “I probably can’t even take your hat off your head.”

“I’ve never seen that stop you before,” Kisuke side eyed him. “Where did the Kurosaki tenacity go to?”

Ichigo looked away. “I’m not the same person, Kisuke.”

“No one is saying you have to be,” Kisuke replied. “But you should be happy with who you are. Are you happy with this version of yourself?”

The question stalled him. Ichigo looked at Kisuke in bewilderment. Had he ever liked himself? Kisuke smiled his knowing smirk and stood up. He swung Benihime in a lazy arc. “When you figure out the answer, you know where to find me.”

Ichigo sat in a daze for several moments. Had he ever liked the person he was? He had always been confident in who he was but had he ever liked himself? Ichigo closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of the shoten. Jinzen came back to him like riding a bike and he opened his eyes to his inner world.

It was raining. Great crashes of thunder and streaks of lightning almost a constant light in the sky. He was seated under an overhang of obsidian rock, looking out to a ruined city overtaken by sand and water. Shiro sat next to him, somehow impatient even in stillness. Ossan was above them, the wind and rain whipping around him as he watched the horizon.

“I don’t remember what it was like before,” Ichigo confessed. “I don’t remember what I was like before.”

“Does it matter?” Shiro snorted. Ichigo shrugged and pulled his knees up to wrap his arms around.

“Do you want to know what it was like, Ichigo?” Ossan asked. Ichigo watched the lightning split the midnight black clouds and reflect off the broken glass of skyscrapers. He eventually nodded and the next bolt of lightning split the sky and let blue shine through. White clouds towered over head as black and grey buildings streaked upwards from pools of water so smooth it was like a mirror stretching out and away. Ichigo’s breath caught at the familiarity but as quickly as it was there it was gone. The dim wasteland of sand, water, and destruction lay in its wake. “We cannot go back.”

“Yeah,” Ichigo said, staring out into the storm. Sorrow clamped a hand around his heart, his throat tightening in despair. “I didn’t think we could.”

They sat in silence, the storm brewing steadier and with more force. The water and sand rose with it, engulfing more buildings. Shiro spoke up when the water neared their shelter. “King, if you mope around much more, I’m going to take over.”

Ichigo snorted and looked sideways at his hollow. “Havent you been in charge for the last year? I thought you were tired of dragging my dead weight around.”

“I am. Of course, I get the lazy ass King who wants to think and feel bad for himself,” Shiro grumbled. “Can’t have the blood lust thrill seeker who only wants to fight.”

“I thought that’s what I have you for,”

“Don’t flatter me, King,” Shiro sneered. Ichigo felt a laugh bubble up in his chest and turn into a sob. He pressed his face into his knees and tried to block out the world. The screams, the pain, the desolation and taste of failure. It engulfed him in a scratchy blanket of shame and despair. Taloned hands rested on his arms without warning. He felt the pressure of them and wished they could cause him pain. Something tangible to battle rather than this aching burn in his chest. “Do you want to drown for a while, King? Then drown! Sink deep! But I’m not going with you. I get to be King. You’ll have to fight to get your place back. Is that what you want?”

Ichigo looked up, staring into his hollow’s eyes. His stubbornness reared its head. “No.”

“Then get up,” Shiro snarled. He stood up and took a step back, materializing his sword in hand. “And prove it.”

Ichigo pushed himself to stand, sucking in a shaky breath. He wiped his eyes in the same instant that Zangetsu materialized in his own hand. He adjusted and readjusted his grip with quivering hands. Ossan watched from his perch as they fought. It was a jagged and desperate fight. It held none of the grace of his Quincy or Shinigami powers, none of the intensity and power of his Visored demeanor. It was hacking and falling, a deadened limb that couldn’t respond but with sudden jarring motions.

Ossan waited, pressing his hope and support against a wall built in Ichigo’s mind. He knew there was little they could say or do, stubbornness worked both ways, but he had hope in his wielder that there would be an end to the storm. That there was a way out of the maze of depression Ichigo had become trapped in. “You must realize who you are, Ichigo. You must accept that it is enough for you. We will be with you through it. As long as you wish.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just finished Chapter 8 and am now sobbing so I needed to make some other people feel the angst too. Have fun with Chapter 7... Happy Halloween Everyone! ;( ;( ;(

Ichigo jerked awake to a cloud of dust. He was standing, halfway through a battle crouch, with sweat, and blood dripping off of him. His chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath. His vision wavered and he looked down only for his eyes to blow wide. Chips of marble white Hollow skin, horns, and mask littered the ground around him, slowly disintegrating into dust.

“You back with us, Ichigo?” Shinji’s hollow voice warbled. He was across from Ichigo, sword at the ready and mask in place. Terror streaked through Ichigo at a familiar nightmare sight.

“I-“ He choked on the hoarseness that strangled his throat. Zangetsu fell from a suddenly deadened grip and his knees buckled as muscles protested in exhausted agony. His voice came out as a raspy whisper. “Shinji?”

“Hiyori is going ta give you so much shit for lapsing like this,” Shinji slid his mask off and walked forward. He squatted down and sighed. “You’re going ta turn me grey, Strawberry. What happened?”

“I… Zangetsu was knocking some sense into me,” Ichigo rasped. “And I…. I had to take back control.”

“How many times did ya have ta take back control?” Shinji asked. At Ichigo’s confused look. “You’ve been fighting for nearly 3 hours. Off and on honestly. It was pretty weird, Strawberry. Your old record is gone. Hiyori will be so pleased.”

Ichigo nodded dumbly. Shinji raised an eyebrow when Ichigo didn’t do much more than breathe. “You are in control again right, Ichigo?”

“Yeah…My body… it’s not responding,” Shinji’s hand slid to Sakanade’s hilt and Ichigo shook his head. “Not like that. I’m in control again. Just tired.”

“Well you have been fighting with us for three hours. Even you with your regeneration would have trouble after that,” Shinji eased. Ichigo perked up.

“We?”

“The Visored,” Shinji tilted his head over his shoulder. Hachi was seated behind his barrier and the realization gutted Ichigo. He was in the training grounds, not his room, and within a familiar barrier. He slouched in shame. Shinji poked his forehead with the hilt of Sakanade. “What’s with that look, strawberry? You barely put up a fight. Hiyori was so bored she used her shoes to fend you off.”

Ichigo glared at him. “It’s not funny, Shinji. I could’ve hurt you.”

“I dunno. I’ve got some great pictures of Hiyori taking her shoe to your hollow mask. Next captain’s meeting, we will all have a good time,”

“When I am able to move again, I’m breaking your phone,” Ichigo snapped. Shinji grinned.

“Good luck with that,” Shinji nodded to Hachi and the barrier dissipated around them. “Oi. Let’s eat. Strawberry is gonna fall asleep on us now that he’s himself again.”

“Shut up Shinji,”

“What? You’re not hungry?”

“Who’s cooking?”

“Your sister. She’s been cooking up a storm the last 3 hours,”

“Are they ok?”

“Yeah. Your father has kept them in the shop,” Ichigo relaxed slightly and sipped the water Shinji handed him. “Why was your hollow taking control?”

“He’s been in control for the last 8 months,” Ichigo cleared his throat and drank more water. He’d missed cold water. “I…I wasn’t able to deal with what happened so I let him take over. It’s the only reason I’m still alive. I had to fight for my place again but… I didn’t know if it was what I wanted.”

“To be in control?” Shinji asked cautiously. Ichigo drank his water and looked away. He steeled himself as he finished the bottle.

“If I wanted to be alive,” Ichigo said softly. Shinji waited, drinking his water slowly so he didn’t react too much. Ichigo didn’t seem ready to continue so they sat in silence until Urahara sat down with food. Kisuke doled out portions of the rice, curry, and oatmeal (giving Ichigo a smaller and more rice filled portion) and settled down next to them.

“Kurosaki-san, I have been under no illusion that your grasp on your desire to live was unstable but it was never our intention to allow you to believe that we shared the same opinion for your wellbeing,” Ichigo jerked to look at Kisuke.

“That’s- Kisuke you don’t understand,” Ichigo said in a panic.

“We do, Ichigo,” Shinji said. “We’ve built you up to be a protector, the ultimate weapon for our cause but that isn’t necessary all the time. You’re allowed to take care of yourself.”

“I-I have-“ Ichigo went to defend himself but lowered his gaze as shame welled up within him. He didn’t take care of himself. His current state was proof enough. Shiro had been doing it, dragging him along as an unwilling participant.

“Kur-Ichigo, eat your food,” Kisuke sighed. “And tell us what happened. We will do whatever we can to help you.”

“You have ta know we can help,” Shinji added. Ichigo nodded and swallowed around the emotion clogging his throat. “Talk ta us, Strawberry.”

“He used the Hogyoku to pull me to the future,” Ichigo began slowly, taking a bite of the rice or oatmeal between his sentences. His stomach still felt weird having real food. “He… Aizen wanted someone to join him; an equal but I wouldn’t… He was alone and needed… he wanted a _friend_. Someone who understood him.”

The words dripped with venom. “So he took me from his past, and he did everything he could to break me. He tortured me…murdered my friends and family in… in front of me until he took… until he had Yuzu and Karin. They… I don’t know how but they knew how to fight and they fought to the end. They… were so great.”

Ichigo closed his eyes and set down his chopsticks as the memory caressed his cheek. Yuzu was just like mom, hair a shade lighter, and younger but she took up the room with her smile. Karin was force and power and depth; she was like looking down into the ocean when you’re floating on a small raft. There was so much of his young sisters in their older versions. Ichigo opened his eyes slowly. “They were powerful, and smart and… and Aizen killed them because of me. Because he wanted me to break and _I did_. I broke. And I…. I killed everyone that was there. Shinigami, Arrancar, Visored, hollow, human. It didn’t matter. I killed them all.”

“Ichigo, take a breath,” Shinji ordered. Ichigo glared at him.

“What?” He snapped. Shinji held his gaze.

“Take a breath,” Shinji said again. Ichigo ground his teeth, breathing through his nose, and realized his reiatsu was blanketing everything. Sweat dotted Shinji’s brow as he fought to stay upright. Ichigo breathed deeply, eyes falling closed as he pulled his reiatsu back to him. “Take a couple more before you decide to suffocate us again.”

Shinji’s joke fell flat but Ichigo continued to breathe deeply. With his eyes closed, and food settling in his stomach, sleep pulled at him. It made him feel dizzy with exhaustion. Kisuke’s voice barely stirred him. “That’s enough for right now, Ichigo.” 

Ichigo’s eyes slid open when Kisuke and Shinji gathered up the plates. “Where’re you goin?”

“Upstairs to sleep,” Shinji said. “I could use it after fighting you. Even not at full strength, you pack a kick I don’t like to receive.”

Ichigo snorted. “I barely touched you.”

“We can ‘barely touch’ once you can stand up,” Shinji teased. Ichigo glared and dragged his foot beneath him. He shakily stood and Kisuke took a step forward as he wavered on his way vertical. Shinji rolled his eyes and took Ichigo’s bicep as he nearly fell to his knees. “Just had ta challenge me huh.”

“Maybe I want to sleep too,” Ichigo growled.

“I’m not carrying you up there,” Shinji said. “Besides, we already made up a place for you to sleep down here.”

“Why’s that?”

“Cause I’m not carrying you,” Shinji replied. He flicked Ichigo’s forehead. “Something wrong with your ears?”

“Shuddup,” Ichigo muttered. Shinji and Kisuke helped Ichigo walk to the small camp of bedding and water near the spring. Ichigo frowned at the familiarity of camping outside like he did in Hueco Mundo. He hesitated, injured arm gripping his middle in worry.

“Come on, Strawberry. You’ll feel better lying down,” Shinji took his good arm by the elbow and dragged him along. Ichigo tumbled into the bedding and frowned up at Shinji. “What? I keep telling you I’m not going to carry you.”

“Don’t drop me then,”

“Go to sleep, Strawberry,” Shinji replied as he and Kisuke sat down nearby. “Would you like a story?”

Ichigo rolled his eyes and pulled the blankets over his injured shoulder, positioning it in a place that didn’t feel like it was ripping out. Shinji and Kisuke talked softly about nothing for several minutes until they heard Ichigo’s breathing even out in exhausted sleep. Shinji shifted with a groan.

“Everyone ok up there?”

“Yes, Unohana is taking care of them,” Kisuke said. Hachi walked over slowly, hulking figure drooped with weariness. He sat down next to Shinji who acknowledged him with a small nod.

“I’m gonna lie down for a while,” Shinji said. He rubbed blood from the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand. “Make sure the kid sleeps. He… He doesn’t need to know.”

Kisuke nodded, watching Ichigo sleep. Hachi’s kido slid over Shinji as he slumped to the ground, blood seeping through his clothes from gashes in his skin. He was unconscious in moments. Kisuke watched over Ichigo as he went over the 3-hour fight with his analytical eyes.

_“Is this what happened last time?” Kisuke asked. Ichigo was clawing at the cage, at himself, cracks appearing in the orange shield as his reiatsu filled the space to capacity. Blood dripped off of multiple lacerations in his skin. Love had just pulled Hiyori out of the fight when the reiatsu had crippled her fighting style. Shinji had watched the whole ordeal with growing unease._

_“No. His hollow had more control last time,” Shinji said. “No one has been this powerful before.” _

_Kisuke nodded as another crack appeared in the barrier. “I believe we need Tessai-san to assist.”_

_“It would be a good idea,” Shinji said. “We’ll wait for the next lull before someone else goes in. No one can fight him like this.”_

_The creature inhabiting Ichigo’s body let out a roar, blood of his friends dripping from his claws. “Do you think he’s conscious?” _

_“No. He’s dead to the world,” Shinji said. “There’s no way he’d fight friends like this.”_

Ichigo shifted in his sleep and Kisuke felt the breath whoosh out of him. He didn’t need to know the lengths his friends had gone to reach him; to help him. Kisuke would watch over him so he would never know how brutal it had been for them to fight an Ichigo who didn’t recognize them. Ichigo would sleep and tomorrow would be another day.


	8. Chapter 8

Ichigo was glad for the spring. Even after sleeping for twelve straight hours of interrupted sleep, he was sore. Sore, tired, and suspicious. His sisters had looked just as suspicious as him when several of their day to day companions had disappeared without saying goodbye, Unohana and several members of the 4th had been hovering around, and their dad’s overzealous behavior was back but towards everyone. Ichigo was stewing in the hot water, taking some time to think until a shadow fell over him.

“Let’s go for a walk, Ichigo!” Isshin said from above him. “You could use the outdoor air and we can walk your sisters to school!”

Ichigo glowered at him. “I get plenty of fresh air from the garden and courtyard and they don’t need both of us.”

“Not good enough!” Isshin grinned. “You need to stretch your young legs!”

“I’m 20,” Ichigo grumbled. Isshin pressed the ball of his foot to the back of Ichigo’s head.

“You’re still young, Ichigo! You need to enjoy your youth! You must-“ Ichigo abruptly stood.

“Fine! If it gets you to shut up,” He climbed out of the spring as his father picked himself up off the ground. He whipped a towel around his shoulders and stalked off. His shoulder twanged uncomfortably as he walked over to the small set up that Kisuke and Tessai had made. Ichigo managed to pull his pants on with a bit of shimmying and tugging but it left him frustrated and tired. He sat down on the bed and glowered at his shirt, pressing his arm to his stomach to quell the ache that was setting in from all the jostling. Despite the majority of his body healing, his shoulder remained painful and without a range of motion. Ichigo hissed out a breath as he tried to relax the tensed muscles.

“Can I help?” Isshin asked from the threshold. He was somber and surveying Ichigo’s shoulder with clinical detachment. Ichigo huffed but nodded. He was too tired to argue and despite his earlier dismissal, he did want to walk Yuzu and Karin to school. Paranoia or love was driving the urge but it didn’t matter. Ichigo bit back a grunt as Isshin shifted his bad shoulder to slide the sleeve up and over his head. The whole process took less than a few seconds but the pain came back with an angered edge. Ichigo sucked in a breath though his nose to ignore the pain as his father pressed the damaged limb into the right position. He strapped a sling to his wrist, around his abdomen and up and over his good shoulder, effectively pinning the appendage against Ichigo’s own body. The relief swept over Ichigo at the support it gave and his muscles relaxed. “Better?”

“Yeah,” Ichigo bent slowly and slid on his shoes, ignoring the already tied laces. It felt good to be in his clothes again. Normal. Like he hadn’t lost 5 years of his life to a madman. The shirt clung to his body rather than a loose tatter of his TK. It wasn’t wet with blood or sweat. He couldn’t feel the achingly crisp wind on- Isshin rested his hand on Ichigo’s shoulder. It was effective even if Isshin’s grin was too cheesy to be real. The haze cleared from Ichigo’s mind as he was pulled to his feet.

“The girls are waiting! Let’s go Ichigo!” His fight with his inner spirit had leveled his head enough that the world wasn’t so hazy. His emotions were more in his control and he felt more himself. He still felt wrong but at least he had the capacity to deal with it instead of falling so deeply into a flashback that it took someone else to pull him out of it. He was tired and sore but because of the work and exercise he was doing; not because of a bone deep ache that never really left him. He was able to enjoy the walk to the twin’s school, a much longer walk with a bus ride since the Shoten was near the outskirts of town. The four of them laughed and joked. Their dad’s crying, regardless of how fake it seemed now, was met with a fondness he didn’t remember having. For a brief moment, Ichigo was content in the moment.

“Thanks for walking us to school, Ichi-ni!” Yuzu grinned. Ichigo smiled back.

“You too, Goat-Face,” Karin said with a roll of her eyes before Isshin could cry louder. Their classmates were starting to stare which Ichigo couldn’t peg down to their father’s display or the fact the girls hadn’t been in school for over a week. Either way, the twins didn’t seem to mind as Yuzu tucked into Ichigo’s good side to get a hug.

“Will you be able to pick us up Ichi-ni?” Yuzu asked. Karin perked up.

“I’ve got soccer practice but I can skip it,”

“Don’t change your plans just because of me, Karin,” Ichigo said. “You’ve missed soccer for the last two weeks right? You should go.”

“It’s not a big deal, Ichi-nii,” Karin snorted. “I’ve been practicing with Jinta and Ururu.”

“So you’ll walk us home?” Yuzu smiled up at her brother and Ichigo pulled her more securely to his side.

“Alright. I’ll be here. You’ve convinced me,” He smiled contentedly and his sisters grinned back. “Have a good day at school.”

“Bye Ichi-ni! Bye Dad!” The father and son watched the girls until they were inside the school. Ichigo saw the flick of a black tail as a cat scaled the fence and trooped into the grounds surrounding the building.

“Yoruichi on guard duty?”

“She’s the most unobtrusive,” Isshin replied.

“You got caught hovering in the halls again didn’t you?”

“I’m not you Ichigo,” Isshin replied. “The principal thought my tears of joy and happiness at Yuzu and Karins accomplishments were distracting to other students.”

“Sounds right,” Ichigo snorted. “How you ever became a Captain is beyond me.”

“Oi, injured or not, I can still fight you, son,” Isshin grinned, flashing a thumbs up. “But we’ll save training for later.”

Ichigo rolled his eyes and began to walk away. Isshin caught up to him easily and slung his arm around Ichigo’s neck, pulling him into a loose headlock. The playful ribbing, bickering, and physical fighting went on until they reached the canal. Ichigo stopped dead a few steps behind his father.

“What are we doing here?” Ichigo asked. His voice was shaky and barely above a whisper. Isshin stood closer to the river and was steps from the spot where Masaki had died. Ichigo’s chest tightened and his lungs refused to expand as Isshin hurried up the bank and took his son’s elbow.

“Sit down,” Isshin said uncharacteristically soft. “I’m sorry. I… Sometimes I come here to remind myself of what I almost lost. My feet took me here. I forgot it might mean something different to you. Are you ok? Put your head between your legs.”

Isshin gently pressed Ichigo’s head forward but Ichigo grabbed his hand and stared into his eyes. He felt the panic hovering under his skin but Ichigo kept his gaze locked onto his father’s. Isshin stayed rooted to the spot, half standing next to his son.

“Almost lost? Ichigo gasped. “What do you mean?”

“I almost lost you here, Ichigo,” Isshin said, deflating until he was seated next to his son on the concrete edge leading to the canal. He looked out over the mid morning gleam of sun on the river, heedless of his son’s gaze boring through him. “Not because Grand Fischer could have killed you but because my grief over your mother made me lose perspective of everything else. I… I thought my world was over. After all the sacrifice and work we did to be together; to build a life together and… My Masaki was gone. Just like that.”

Isshin peered down in to the grass next to his feet, eyes itching to cry but he couldn’t find the ability to release them. He swallowed thickly before continuing. “After Masaki died, I lost sight of everything and because of that… you shouldered the guilt, your own pain, and all the responsibility. Your sisters are a credit to you, Ichigo. I know I can’t make up for then. I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I am so sorry I wasn’t better. I’m going to do everything I can to help you now so you need to know Ichigo,”

Isshin looked up from the ground and took Ichigo’s gaze into his own. His son who was breathing shallowly with solitary tears dripping down his cheeks. Ichigo who was panicked and backed into a wall because of a past and future he had no say in. Ichigo, his darling bright son, stared at him like he was a decimated battle field with no relief in sight. Isshin clasped his hand on Ichigo’s shoulder and around his neck, bringing their heads closer. “It’s not your fault your mother died. It’s not your fault I was absent. It’s not your fault that this war takes and takes from you without end. It’s not your fault that your power isn’t enough. I promise you Ichigo, it’s not your fault.”

Ichigo swallowed against a sob. He didn’t know the words to make this right so he said the only words he had. “I hated you for a while. I hated a lot of things until… I had nothing but anger and desperation and it controlled everything I did. Everything became about erasing the pain and stopping anyone from feeling anything like that again. Mom was the world and she was gone and I needed my dad but you… you were gone to. You had people who needed you but you were gone in your own version of hell and… and!”

Ichigo leaned forward, bridging the gap to rest his forehead against Isshin’s. “I’m still so mad because I wish it wasn’t real. I wish you had been there and that I didn’t have this weight on me. I wish it didn’t hurt so much. I wish I didn’t understand what you went through. I wish I could just hate you and never feel anything else for you but I…. I can’t because I get it. I get it because this pressure… I wish it didn’t hurt so much to live up to it. I wish I didn’t understand why you broke but I do, Dad. I wish I didn’t understand what that hell was but I do and I just… I wish I was stronger than this. I just.. I-“

Isshin pulled Ichigo into a hug, letting his son press his face into his shoulder as he held him. “I’m sorry, Ichigo. I’m so sorry. This isn’t your fault.”

Ichigo shook his head and gripped his father’s shirt tightly. “But it is. I have the strength and the power to protect everyone and I used it… I used it to kill them. I’m responsible if I don’t help them. I’m responsible. It’s my fault because I… I didn’t help them. I-”

Isshin hushed him gently, running his fingers through Ichigo’s hair and his hand up and down his back. “Have you ever in your life chosen to not help someone Ichigo? Have you ever chosen to kill someone simply because you could?”

Isshin pulled Ichigo away from his shoulder, swiping bangs and tears from his reddened face. He smiled confidently in the face of his son’s despair. “You would never choose not to help someone Ichigo. You’d never hurt them willingly. Never. You didn’t choose to be this capable or powerful. It’s not your fault that with all that power and responsibility that you’re still vulnerable. It’s not your fault that you feel weak or broken. You cannot be strong and carry others, unless you can carry yourself first. Your mother…”

Isshin stuttered over the words. “Your mother… She always said that to me. You’re so much like her, Ichigo. She loved protecting people and having people rely on her. She always shouldered it so effortlessly and it was because she always carried herself. Masaki knew what she needed and she always met those needs. She made sure of it even when taking care of you. Even when she saved you, she was carrying herself because she knew… she knew it was the right thing to do. She would’ve… She couldn’t have lived without you, Ichigo. She loved you so much.”

Ichigo huffed another sob and Isshin rubbed more tears from his cheeks. “I know your carrying all of this on your shoulders and that’s ok but you need to take care of yourself too ok? That’s why we’re here. The Visored, Kisuke, your sisters. I’m sure if the Shinigami core had any idea what was going on, half the captains would be down here. We’re here to help. It’s ok to feel this way; to let someone else shoulder the burden for a while. Just until you can carry it again but you need to carry yourself first ok? Just like your mother. Except she was much prettier than you.”

Ichigo choked on his sob as he laughed. Isshin grinned dopily and leaned away from his son as Ichigo gathered himself, rubbing at bloodshot eyes. Ichigo gulped in a deep breath and his shoulders relaxed. He looked out over the river. “It’s hard ya know?”

“I do,” Isshin replied. “I know you can do it and besides, I’m here now. Dad’s gonna take care of his perfect children.”

Ichigo snorted, and rubbed his dripping nose. “Now you’re making it sound easy.”

Isshin shrugged but grinned regardless. “My children are the strongest and best kids out there. Of course they’ll make it look easy.”

Ichigo rolled his eyes. “Thanks Dad.”

They sat in companionable silence and listened to the rush of the river, a soft wind playing over the grass. The location still held pain, regret, and longing but it wasn’t as sharp as it had been. Father and son sitting shoulder to shoulder as the sun strode higher into the spring sky. Isshin’s pocket buzzed, signaling they could return to the shoten whenever they felt like.

“Let’s get some lunch and head back to the Shoten, neh Ichigo?” He turned to Ichigo with a grin only for it to slide of his face. Ichigo was white as a sheet and staring down at his hands as blood drip drip dripped from his nose. Isshin reached out only for Ichigo to phase in and out of existence. Isshin took hold of Ichigo’s jacket when he came back into focus and Ichigo crumpled in his grip. His skin was the color of snow, and just as cold. He fell with the force of the grab, curling into his father’s grip.

“Dad,” He choked out. Ichigo could barely move with his extremities feeling like falling boulders. Gravity tugged him to the ground making everything numb. It felt like…Panic settled into his stomach like a dagger of ice. Shiro snarled upon the realization and Ichigo gasped in shock.

“Hold on Ichigo!” Isshin rested his hand against Ichigo’s frozen cheek, staring into his panicked eyes with a determination Ichigo couldn’t feel. “I won’t let go.”

Ichigo gasped again, hoping for air to enter his constricted chest. “It’s… It’s like that time. The time he took me. Don’t-“

“I won’t let go,” Isshin said, desperation seeping into his voice. “I won’t let him take you again. Just hold on.”

Black dots danced in Ichigo’s vision, fuzzy jumping gnats as it became harder to breathe. He wanted to reach out for his dad but he was already in Isshin’s arms as the man stood. His sluggish mind realized belatedly that the wind rushing past his ears was from Shunpo and not inside his own head. It was all so muffled.

“Don’t let go, King,” was the last thing he heard before the dots merged into black and he fell into the abyss.


	9. Chapter 9

Ichigo rolled from the cocoon of blankets and into a fighting stance. He promptly fell to his knees when his body trembled from the change in temperature. He was so cold but he wasn’t restrained. His body was weak and cumbersome. Ichigo struggled to keep upright. White hands entered his vision, lifting up his chin and grabbing his arm to steady him. “Easy King.”

Ichigo gripped Shiro’s wrist. “Where are we?”

“The perv’s shop,” Shiro said.

“It didn’t work,” Ichigo shivered and Shiro dragged the comforter around his wielder’s shoulder. Ichigo stared at him in bewilderment. “We’re… We’re still here.”

“Don’t look so surprised,” Shiro grumbled. Ichigo huffed and pulled the comforter tighter around him. He continued to shiver, huddling into the blanket. Shiro snarled. “Stop working yourself up.”

“I know,” Ichigo ground out. “How long have I been asleep?”

“Couple hours,” Shiro answered.

“My sisters…they’re expecting me,”

“The goat face idiot is right, King,” Shiro said. “Worry bout yourself.”

Ichigo huddled into the comforter. “I don’t think that’s possible.”

“Learn how,” Shiro grumbled. “We have bigger issues to worry about right now. Like finding Aizen before he finds us and _then_ **_crushing him and that rock into the ground._**”

“We’re not ready for that,” Ichigo replied as Shiro’s form waivered. “Not yet.”

Shiro hummed angrily and let himself fade away. His words were a hot whisper in Ichigo’s ears, “This whole invalid thing is getting old, King.”

“Just a bit,” Ichigo huffed a small laugh. He rubbed his arms with the blanket hoping for more warmth but his body continued to shiver at odd intervals. Ichigo crawled sluggishly back into the bed, curling in on himself to conserve some of the warmth. He must have dozed off despite his body’s shuddering because he came back from the haze of sleep to a heavier blanket being laid over and tucked around him. Isshin frowned down at him.

“You awake?” Ichigo nodded from his cocoon. “Still cold?”

“Yeah,” Ichigo said huskily. He cleared his throat of the phlegm brought on by his dozing. “What happened?”

“We were hoping you could tell us,” Shinji said. He was leaning against the door with Kisuke just behind him who held a trey of food and tea. “What do you remember?”

Ichigo paused blinking slowly as the fuzz of sleep slid away. Kisuke set down the trey of tea and the two Shinigami picked up their cups as Isshin eased a hand around Ichigo’s shoulder and helped him sit up. He pulled a robe around Ichigo’s shoulders and with a small pat took his own cup of tea. Ichigo spoke as he clutched the robe, “It felt like I was being dragged away from my body. Like when the Hogyoku brought me back and… when Aizen took me to the future.”

Kisuke handed Ichigo a cup of tea solemnly. “So it’s Aizen trying to pull you to him.”

Ichigo nodded as he sipped the hot liquid, thankful for its warmth. He huddled deeper into the robe. “I think so.”

“Can you stop it?” Isshin asked. Kisuke pursed his lips.

“I don’t know,”

“Can you do anything about it Kisuke?” Isshin snapped.

“Dad,” Ichigo chided.

“We’re all worried here Isshin,” Shinji said. “What do you need to study it, Kisuke?”

“Time and access to Ichigo’s reiatsu,” Kisuke chortled. “And body.”

Ichigo turned his glare to Kisuke who chortled into his tea. “Stop being perverted.”

“Whatever do you mean?”

“Strawberry is very chaste for having lived through the future,” Shinji said.

“Not you too Shinji,”

“There should be some way to track it,” Isshin glowered as the other three bickered good naturedly. The realization they were talking about his son’s chastity sent Isshin’s eyebrow up onto his forehead. “OI oi. My Ichigo is viral and capable. Don’t be treating him like anything less.”

“Ok all of you out!” Ichigo snapped. “Unless you’re going to be useful and not talk about me in such a perverted way!”

“Aw Masaki! The time has come and gone for when my son has become a man!” Isshin cried into the crook of his arm.

“This,” Ichigo pointed at Isshin. “Is your fault.”

Kisuke flitted his fan open to cover his mouth, eyes glinting with a playful spark. Shinji looked at Ichigo helplessly. “You think I have any control over this?”

Ichigo sucked in a deep calming breath. He was already feeling warmer and more in the moment. Kisuke had subtly slid a sandwich over to him and Ichigo gratefully took a small bite of it. Despite the topic, the three men arguing over his wellbeing settled some of the anxiety within him. Regardless of the past, they were all here now, fighting for him and supporting him. It was a nostalgic feeling that he had forgotten about.

The food settled like a rock in his stomach when another chill swept over him. He felt the tug again, softer this time. It was almost like a caress of longing that trailed down his cheek, feather light until it wrapped around his throat in a vice grip to tug him-

“ICHIGO!” He jerked, cup slipping from his hand to clatter against the ground. Ichigo stared in wonder as the liquid globed and spread along the wood flooring until it had reached the crack between the planks and ran along it. His focus was so secure on the traveling liquid that he didn’t realize he was now horizontal, hot water bottles pressing into his skin. A hand tilted Ichigo’s face up towards the ceiling and knuckles rolled painfully against his sternum to rouse him. “Ichigo? That’s it. Come back to us.”

Ichigo closed his eyes as weariness swept through him, stealing away the cold as it bubbled and rolled through him to his head. The heat expanded within him and made him woozy. The knuckles were back on his chest and Ichigo opened his eyes with an angry scowl.

“There you are,” Isshin smiled in relief. Ichigo’s scowl shifted to a frown and he tried to move. His father’s hand stilled him by resting on his chest but Ichigo didn’t think he could have moved further if he wanted to. His body was so heavy and his skin too tight. “Don’t move yet. Kisuke is still running tests and we’re not sure how stable you are yet.”

“Wha happen?” Ichigo rasped. It hurt to focus on the words he needed to say so he closed his eyes. Isshin’s knuckles rapped gently on his chest and Ichigo opened his eyes.

“Just… keep your eyes open, Ichigo,” Isshin said. “You’ve been phasing in and out of existence for the last hour. We thought… We didn’t know when it would stop. If it would stop. It’s basically been like an off and on seizure.”

“Oh,” Ichigo tried to focus but his brain slid out and away from his grasp. “What about…bout.”

The words tangled on his tongue and Shiro grumbled, “Eloquent, King.”

“Ichigo? What do you need?” Ichigo concentrated on the words, watched them play over in his mind, and made sure he knew each of the syllables.

“’m still here,” He murmured, words slurring together. “’hought was gunna ‘akeup hare.”

“Where?” Ichigo shook his head in frustration and Shiro materialized on his other side. Isshin looked at the spirit with concern. “What’s wrong?”

“King can’t focus,” Shiro said. “He’s more jumbled than usual.”

“It’s from the shifting in and out of this time. It’s normal as long as it goes away,” Isshin said. “What is he talking about?”

“Aizen’s hotel of torture,” Shiro replied. Isshin nodded severely before running a shaking hand through Ichigo’s hair. Ichigo kept his eyes open only because his dad looked panicked and he couldn’t let him be panicked alone. His father forced a smile as Ichigo looked at him dazed.

“You seem a lot less possessive this time around,” Isshin said passively. Shiro grinned ferally.

“We’re almost at full strength and King’s head is back on the hunt. Despite his current state,” The hollow said. “I’ll be able to tear into Aizen soon.”

“So you’re here now because?”

“King’s head is scrambled. He’s having a hard-enough time staying awake for you,” Shiro said begrudgingly. “I’m translating so he stops working himself up trying to say ABC.”

Ichigo grunted in frustration to which his hollow spirit only grinned menacingly. “Use your big words, King.”

Ichigo groaned and turned his head into his father’s hand. The hollow spirit’s grin turned up a notch at the win. Isshin recognized the easy banter and continued running his hands through Ichigo’s hair. Ichigo focused on the steady rhythm. Sometimes his dad’s nails would brush against his scalp. It was a steady motion. Soft brush, scrape of skin on skin, soft brush, hand settled on the side of his head and just a thumb stroke over his skin. Shiro’s voice was shockingly quiet against the buzzing in his head.

“King? Hat pervert is here,” Ichigo was lost in the haze of the buzz and the smoothing stroke of the thumb on his temple. His thoughts were muddled in a wall of steam. Shiro shoved through it, Zangetsu at his side and Ichigo tried to relay the shock to his extremities but the woozy haze held him down. Shiro and Zangetsu grabbed his wrists and Ichigo jerked. “King. You need to focus.”

“On what?” Ichigo gasped. They were obviously inside of soul but the haze was too thick to see anything else.

“Kisuke has created a reiatsu dampening collar,” The old man said in his morose accepting way. “They are cuffs for your wrists.”

“No,”

“King, I’ll stop them,” Shiro snarled, icy hands cradling his head. It shocked the subduing warmth and Ichigo felt his head clear. “Say the word and I’ll stop them.”

Ichigo shook his head. “No… No chains.”

“I’ll stop them, King,” Shiro growled. “I won’t let them hurt us.”

Ichigo brought a numb hand up to grab at Shiro’s wrists. He met his hollow’s eyes and shook his head. They were still falling through the mist. “I’ll do it. I can…I can do it.”

Shiro’s snarl was a gust of blizzarding cold against his cheek. Ichigo nodded again and tightened his grip on the hollow’s wrists. “Fine. Open your eyes.”

Ichigo opened his eyes to Shinji, Isshin and Kisuke hovering over him having a deep conversation. He tried to hear what they were saying but the buzzing drowned out everything. Shiro shoved against the woozy haze and Ichigo’s vision cleared enough for him to speak.

“Not my wrists,” Ichigo said from the futon. The three Shinigami looked down in surprise. “Or my neck. Not… please.”

“Ma Kurosaki-kun, these won’t work like anything you’ve seen before,” Kisuke soothed. Shiro sneered as Kisuke sat down and held up the small black bands, reflecting Ichigo’s anxiety. The shopkeeper continued with his explanation as Isshin and Shinji hovered near by. “They don’t repress or steal your reiatsu. They merely keep it around your body. You will still have access to your full power but it will be kept from us. It’s a safety guard I have been working on due to your flashbacks and panic attacks but it will also help in this situation.”

“Two birds one stone,” Ichigo murmured. Kisuke nodded and rested a hand on Ichigo’s upper arm.

“Annnnnd…. They can go anywhere,” Kisuke explained. “Is your upper arm ok?”

“We can take them off at any time, Ichigo,” Isshin added. Ichigo nodded shakily and sucked in a deep breath to let out slowly. His eyes couldn’t look away from the band in Kisuke’s hand.

“Keep breathing slowly, Strawberry,” Shinji said softly. Ichigo’s attention focused on the blonde intensely. “In and out. 4 seconds at a time. Hold between each breath. Just focus on it and this will be easy.”

As he talked, Kisuke placed the band on his bicep. It was a thick band of black that felt like leather wrapping around his arm. It melted into Ichigo’s skin like a tattoo and Ichigo exhaled in relief when nothing changed. His reiatsu was still a warm comfort all around him, the strength of it imbued into his muscles and body. It was such a relief that he sunk into the futon, barely registering the small itch of the band on his skin or that his eyes had closed. Isshin’s hand ran gently through his hair. “You ok, Ichigo?”

“Yeah,” Ichigo whispered. “Can barely feel it.”

“Do you still feel the Hogyoku?” Kisuke asked. Ichigo nodded. There was the pull on his body even now. It was gentle and curious like an animal sniffing out a trail. “We need to do both of them then.”

Ichigo felt his arm lift and the second band wrap around his bicep several inches below the other one leaving a small gap of skin. The prodding wisp of the Hogyoku disappeared and with it, the icy tendrils that littered his body. It was replaced with the warmth of hands maneuvering him beneath blankets and the steady rhythm of fingers carding through his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to get tattoos like that and feel SOOOOO badass.   
Thanks for reading.  
Bye for now.


	10. Chapter 10

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Shinji asked.

“I can’t go into a fight panicked that I’m going to… panic,” Shinji smirked. “Shutddup. Why are you so hesitant about this? You normally enjoy kicking my ass.”

“You’ve only got one good arm right now so it should be easy,” Shinji said dispassionately and with none of the usual bite.

“Shinji,” Ichigo deadpanned. “Seriously. Even Geta-boshi said we should test the limits of the kido restraints.”

Shinji rolled his eyes and pursed his lips in displeasure. “Those are not the limits I am worried about.”

“What does that mean?”

“Tell me Ichigo,” Shinji said, leveling him with an assessing glare. “How in control of yourself do you feel? I’m not just talking about your hollow. I am talking about your emotions, your body, your health.

“Your hollow claims you’re almost at full strength yet your healing isn’t back. You’re still not sleeping. I’m fairly certain you’ve started sneaking out in the middle of the day to do a run around Karakura and that is another conversation we need to have because there is reason for kido wards around the Shoten. So really, Ichigo, tell me why you want to do this. I only see you self-destructing and pretending like you’re fooling everyone by trying to act normal.”

“I’m…It’s not that,” Ichigo hesitated over the words. “I’m trying to find what my new normal is. I know I can’t be who I was before. There’s too much damage for that… but I don’t know any other way to figure out what is normal than to bash my way through it. That I know I’m still good at.”

“What? Your immaculate diplomatic skills haven’t gotten better?” Shinji grinned. Ichigo glared at him. “So you’re not self-destructing?”

Ichigo shrugged, looking away with some embarrassment coloring his cheeks. “I think… I’m still in a dark place and clawing my way out of it. Still sabotaging myself at random points but… I’m trying in the only I know how.”

“By clobbering it to death,” Shinji smirked. “That really is your brand of fixing the problem, Strawberry.”

“Yeah well… Stick to what you’re good at,” Shinji nodded and unsheathed Sakanade.

“No masks. No Kido,” He said, grinning. “Not that I have to worry about the second one.”

“Ha ha. I could’ve learned it,”

“Did you?” Shinji asked in fake shock.

“No,”

“Thanks for proving my point, Strawberry,”

“Can we fight already?”

//--\\\

“How’s it feel?” Isshin asked as he popped Ichigo’s shoulder back into the socket and applied a small amount of kido to the damaged area. “Also why were you fighting hand to hand when you only have 1 good arm?”

“He elbowed me,” Shinji said, pinching the bridge of his nose tenderly. Blood was lazily trailing down his upper lip and chin. “So I punched him. It went from there.”

“You tripped me,” Ichigo grunted. He was laid out on his back, breathing heavily. “For no reason.”

“You left your side open,” Shinji replied.

“Because you tripped me,” Ichigo growled. Isshin rolled his eyes.

“Ichigo, how’s your shoulder?” He asked. Ichigo rolled his shoulder with a pained expression. Isshin flicked his forehead. “Don’t do that if it hurts!”

“How am I supposed to know unless I try it?” Ichigo said indignantly.

“Not like that, Ichigo,” Isshin sighed. “Are you two idiots hurt anywhere else?”

Shinji was already healing his own nose and Ichigo sat up with some difficulty, tucking his newly fixed arm into this stomach with his immobile one. “Just sore. Feels nice actually. Haven’t been sore on purpose in a while.”

“How’s your other shoulder?”

“I’m fine Dad,” Ichigo grumbled. “Check on Shinji. Wouldn’t want him to lose some teeth.”

“Strawberry, I will sic Hiyori on you,” Shinji muttered. “And laugh with glee when she demolishes you with her shoe.”

“Ma Kurosaki-Kun,” KIsuke interrupted the playful banter. “Your spirits seem higher. How did the bands work?”

“They handled enough,” Ichigo said, scratching the back of his head. “I didn’t go all out and I couldn’t tell if Shinji could feel me.”

Kisuke looked to Shinji who was wiggling his now healed nose. The Visored shrugged when he saw them looking at him. “I couldn’t feel ya. Pretty much at all. I knew something was there but ya were basically hidden if I tried looking for your reiatsu. That’s why I tripped ya. Lost sight of ya and my instincts took over.”

“So you admit to tripping me!”

“I admit to you having an advantage with those fancy tattoo bands,” Shinji grinned. “Which you obviously need to even have a chance.”

“We can go again if you want?” Ichigo pulled himself to his feet, Zangetsu materializing in his free hand. He was grinning savagely. Shinji rose to the challenge, wiping blood from his face and brandishing Sakanade. They disappeared in a small huff of Shunpo, furling Kisukes’s hat and robes. Kisuke and Isshin watched the playful meandering that became Shinji’s and Ichigo’s fight. Ichigo looked at ease despite the hinderance of his immobile arm. He sunk into the fight with an unending glee, pushing himself farther and farther to perfection.

“Shinji’s holding back,” Isshin commented quietly. Kisuke hummed in agreement.

“Regardless of the kido bands, I don’t think he fully trusts Kurosaki-san to remain in control,” Kisuke said. Isshin huffed, affronted by the idea that Ichigo was out of control. “Shinji would be able to gauge that best. He’s challenging him more than last time at the least.”

“He won’t trip him again,” Isshin smirked. “A broken nose can only be fixed so many times.”

Kisuke smiled secretively at the joke. He swung Benehime lazily as the fight continued. He should return to his computer and continue analyzing the readings from the bands or look into the strange energy he had picked up trying to pull Ichigo from them but there was nothing quite like watching Kurosaki fight. He was a walking perfection of his parts. Quincy finesse, hollow power, and Shinigami strategy. Everything merged to a perfect point at the tip of his blade. Looking at him, Kisuke felt a form of awe ease him into contentment. It was quite beautiful to watch, up until Shinji sent him shooting into the ground with a well-placed backhand. Then he was the normal teenager again who squawked indignantly and tried to pull himself up from the crater around him. Kisuke and Isshin shared a smile.

At least that hadn’t changed.

//--\\\

Ichigo woke up feeling better. It was weird. It also hit him more than half way through the day as he was walking to the twins’ school to pick them up. He had woken without the taste of blood on his lips, or flesh beneath his fingers. He had seen his sisters off with a groggy wave that disappeared after a quick run around the complex and a light breakfast. His shoulder was sore but mobile to the point he could swing Zangetsu in a short fight and help Karin and Yuzu with defensive moves much to their dad’s worried parental protectiveness. He needed to ask Uryuu to help them with some Quincy moves and charms until they had more reiatsu built up. Ichigo felt lighter and healthier for the first time in the 54 days he had been home. Ichigo looked up into the summer sun and let it soak into his skin. He breathed deeply and actually enjoyed the feeling.

Until the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and Ulquiorra appeared just down the road. He stepped from a small garganta as if he was stepping off the sidewalk onto the street. As if it was normal for an espada to walk into the human world. Ichigo glared at him as the arrancar watched him with his same emotionless eyes.

“What are you doing, Kurosaki Ichigo?”

“I’m… walking?” Ichigo questioned. “Got a problem with that?”

“He is growing impatient,” Ulquiorra looked away passively.

“Does that actually matter to you?” Ichigo asked. “If he wants me, he can come get me.”

“I don’t understand why he hasn’t,” The espada said. “You were weak and dying. Finishing you off then would have eliminated the threat.”

“Are you… are you confused why I am still alive?” Ichigo asked incredulously. He didn’t want to think about the same question that had echoed across the sands of Hueco Mundo. How it had dripped from his lips in blood and tears. A buzz started low at the base of his skull, building louder as he tried to continue to ignore the question. Ulquiorra stared at him blankly.

“You were weak and yet he let you live. His enemy and greatest threat. All because of another timeline that no longer exists. He has never made a misstep before and yet…”

“You can’t figure out why I’m still alive,” Ichigo sneered. He felt Shiro raging inside, the bands around his arm containing his reiatsu with a crackling ease. Shiro reacted so readily to his unease and fear, bolstering him with power to fend off the doubt as well as enemies. “Or how I’m still here in the human world.”

“No one says no to Aizen’s will,” Ulquiorra said perturbed. “Or to the Hogyoku.”

“Except me,” Ichigo grinned. Shiro was pulling at him, pushing more hollow energy to the surface and cackling with glee as Ulquiorra stared with uncomprehending scrutiny disguised as indifference. “Are you here to fight me, Ulquiorra?”

“Aizen sends a message,” Ulquiorra said. “If you do not come to him, he will take from this world until you do.”

The glee turned to a cold burning fury. “He will die before he touches anyone here.”

“It has happened before, it will happen again,” Ulquiorra said dispassionately, pulling at the air to form a garganta. “I am curious to see how he will break you. For espada, it was our lust for power or status but for you… you who has so much; I wonder what it will take.”

Renji landed a step from the garganta, Zabimaru slashing down into the ground where Ulquiorra stepped from. The garganta closed like a zipper on a jacket, energy crackling as it closed. Rukia landed next to Ichigo, watching the black gap in space disappear. She turned to Ichigo, hand still on the hilt of her zanpakto. “What did he want?”

Ichigo’s jaw clenched involuntarily as he felt claws of anxiety sink into his skin. The faces of the dying danced in front of his eyes. Their screams and last breaths filled his ears. He couldn’t breathe. Rukia gripped his arm, dragging it from where his hands fisted in his hair, trying to pull the anxiety from his skin. Her lavender eyes were bright with concern but all Ichigo saw was them blank and empty as she died. He wouldn’t let that happen. _He couldn’t. He needed to breathe._

“Ichigo,” She shook his arm and he focused on the Rukia in front of him. The one that was alive. Breathing. Like he should be. His breath came out in a small gasp. “What did he say, Ichigo?”

“It’s happening again,” Ichigo’s voice was raw. It grated against his ears and his throat. Renji came closer, hovering protectively 0with his head on a swivel. Ichigo quelled his fear and anxiety by materializing Zangetsu in his grip. His knuckles turned white within seconds. It didn’t help. “Aizen’s coming for everyone… unless I go to him.”


	11. Chapter 11

“Are you sure?” Rukia asked. Ichigo ignored her. Shiro pulled from his soul, landing on soft feet. The hollow spirit stood defensively, a mirrored Zangetsu in his hand. He had eyes only for Ichigo.

“What do you need, King?” Shiro asked. “Tell me. I’ll make it **_real_**.”

“I need…” Ichigo heaved an uneven breath. Faces flashed before his eyes; alive, dying, dead. He couldn’t breathe with all of them gasping their last breathes. He couldn’t take the air from them; not when they were destined to die. He had to- Shiro’s fist against his cheek sent Ichigo sliding back several feet. His arm slid from Rukia’s hand and she glared up at the hollow spirit in rage.

“King, tell me,” Shiro snarled. The hollow spirit advanced on him. “I’ll make it real.”

Ichigo nodded as he gasped in enough oxygen for the panic to recede so he could think. Rukia and Renji were staring in bewilderment but Shiro was waiting. A predator on a lead. Shiro knew what needed to happen and wanted Ichigo to say it. To make it real. Ichigo steadied his stance. “I need them safe. Everyone.”

Chad. Inoue. Uryuu. Tatsuki. His sisters. The Shinigami. The innocent souls. It was still too many. He couldn’t get to everyone. There were too many for him to protect. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. His hands clenched around Zangetsu and he tried to stop the panic but the list wrapped around his throat and face, suffocating him. He brought his clenched fists up to his forehead, Zangetsu resting against his forehead like a sliver of ice. Rukia’s voice came through the fog from lack of air. “Shiro, you need to get his sisters. Renji and I will get Orihime, Chad, and the others from school. We’ll warn Uryuu and Seretei is already on high alert. We’ll meet back at the Shoten. Ok? Ichigo?”

He tried to nod but his body was too heavy. He was sinking further into a vacuum of panic. All those souls he needed to protect. Shiro grabbed his forearm, Zangetsu dissolving from Ichigo’s grip at the contact. Ichigo looked up at him, lost and bewildered. How was he King when he crumbled like this? “We’re going. Don’t screw this up.”

Ichigo trailed behind Shiro into his Sonido, losing what little air he had. Shiro didn’t look back as he pulled Ichigo forward. Ichigo fell to his knees when they came out of Sonido outside of the twin’s school. His eyes and head pulsed in pain from lack of oxygen. He was going to pass out soon if he didn’t start breathing but then who would stop Him? He would kill everyone and then he’d be alo- His sisters wrapped their arms around him suddenly and he inhaled so sharply that the rush of oxygenated blood hurt and pulsed louder against his skull. He pressed his face into Yuzu’s hair and breathed in the scent of coconut and guava. Karin was still standing but had her hand tucked into Ichigo’s hair. He could breathe. He could breathe if they stayed just like this.

“What happened?” Karin asked. Shiro hovered over them protectively.

“Aizen threatened you,” Shiro said grimly. “We’re leaving.”

“Wait!” Yuzu glared at Shiro over her brother’s shoulder. “Ichi-nii needs a second.”

Shiro growled low but Karin joined her twin in glaring at him. Ichigo snorted when he felt Shiro’s annoyance turn to fond exasperation. His hollow liked a challenge too much. Ichigo took a few deep breathes like Shinji had coached him through and pulled away from Yuzu and Karin. Yuzu smiled warmly.

“Better Ichi-nii?” He nodded, smiling breathlessly.

“We’re fine, Ichi-nii,” Karin said, shoving his head playfully but kept contact with him. “You’ve been training us. We can handle ourselves.”

“Take on a whole hoard of hollows by yourselves,” Ichigo wanted to laugh at Shiro’s sarcasm. The anxiety wasn’t leaving him so he didn’t feel the humor. He needed to get them somewhere safe before… before….

“Later, King,” Shiro said. “We’ll talk later.”

Ichigo met his spirit’s eye. The hollow looked furious and defiant but not with anger at his wielder. He looked at Ichigo with understanding and fury directed at defense. He wondered briefly if that was how he looked when protecting someone. Ichigo stood shakily with Karin and Yuzu in his arms. Yuzu giggled as she was lifted, always happy at her brother’s attention. Karin looked at him unamused. “I can walk, Ichi-nii.”

“We’re not walking,” Ichigo said. He shifted Karin onto his back and cradled Yuzu to his chest before he took off into the fastest shunpo he dared. It was a tad too fast for normal people but his sisters’ grips tightened on him as they enjoyed the ride. His dad would be distraught that they were thrill seekers like him.

//--\\\

Isshin, and Kisuke walked out onto the porch of the Shoten in varying degrees of confusion. His children were here and not at school after a garganta had opened and closed somewhere in the city. The girls were seated a few feet from their brother who was motionless in Jinzen. In any other circumstance, it would’ve been cute to have his daughters emulating their elder brother but it didn’t look like Ichigo was breathing he was so still.

“What’s going on?” Isshin asked his daughters softly as he knelt next to them. “Are you two ok?”

Karin nodded and Yuzu smiled at her father. “We’re ok, Tao-san. Ichi-nii and Shiro-nii picked us up from school early.”

“Did they tell you why?”

“Aizen threatened them,” Isshin looked up as Rukia walked into the courtyard with Inoue, Chad and Tatsuki trailing behind her looking bewildered but worried. She nodded severely at Ichigo. “He gave Ichigo an ultimatum; go to Hueco Mundo or he comes for us.”

“Let’s have everyone come inside,” Kisuke said from the porch. “Welcome to the Shoten Inoue-san! Sado-san! Arisawa-san! Please come in.”

“What about Kurosaki-kun?” Inoue asked. Tatsuki took Orihime’s arm, glancing back at Ichigo’s still form.

“Come on, Orihime. Ichigo will follow us when he’s ready,” She said. “He’ll feel a lot better if we’re safe and inside.”

Chad followed them but not before watching Ichigo’s form with his soft appraising gaze. Rukia remained rooted to the spot, hopelessly waiting for Ichigo to acknowledge her. Isshin stood up but his girls didn’t move. “Let’s go inside, Yuzu. Karin. It’s safer with the Kido wards.”

“Ichi-ni said not to move,” Karin replied. “Not until he tells us to.”

“Even to go inside?” Isshin asked. The girls nodded.

“Ichi-ni was really scared,” Yuzu said. Her eyes were misty with tears. “We can’t leave him.”

Isshin sat down, and rested a hand on Yuzu’s shoulder. She rubbed her eyes furiously as Karin leaned into her. “It’ll be ok, Yuzu.”

“I’ve never seen him look so scared, tao-san,” She murmured. “He was so scared for us.”

“And we can’t do anything to help,” Karin grumbled. “We’re weighing him down and he always has to worry about us.”

“What you’re doing now is helpful,” Rukia said. She settled into a lotus position on the other side of the twins, watching Ichigo. “You’re supporting him and letting him know you’re safe.”

Isshin nodded, putting his arm around both twins. “She’s right. You don’t have to be like your brother and be strong enough to protect everyone. You can be strong enough to support and protect something just as precious; his security and well being. That’s what you two are carrying for him and he needs it done by someone he can trust.”

Karin pressed her sleeve into her eyes, drying her tears before they fell. Tears dripped down Yuzu’s cheeks as she spoke. “What if it’s not enough? He… Ichi-nii does so much for us. What if we’re not enough?”

“You are, my sweet girls,” Isshin whispered confidently, pulling both of them into a crushing hug. Yuzu went readily, hugging her father back. Karin was stiff but accepting. She tried to be stoic but she felt the pressure of the moment. “You are more than enough. Strong enough, Beautiful enough, Kind enough to help your brother. You don’t need to carry every part of someone to help them. What you’re doing is more than enough.”

The girls nodded, Karin pulling away from the hug to sit next to her sister. Yuzu stayed leaned into her father still seeking comfort. Rukia kept her gaze on Ichigo, giving the family privacy. She was going to deck him when he came out of Jinzen for worrying everyone. If he thought he could just go off to AIzen without an army behind him, she was going to hit him until he saw reason.

//--\\\

The moment he settled into Jinzen, Ichigo was inside his inner world with Shiro holding him up by the scruff of his collar. The hollow sneered at him as Ossan watched from nearby. The wind whipped around them in a sand storm with lightning flashing overhead. It threatened down pour and torrential rains; fire and destruction. It was chaos and uncertainty. Shiro shook him.

“How far are you going to slip, King?” He asked. Ichigo focused on his hollow.

“Why am I still King?” The question felt like a blade against his tongue and he wished he couldn’t taste the blood. “Why am I still alive?”

Shiro sneered but it was Ossan who answered. “You know the answers, Ichigo. Hearing us say them does not solidify the knowledge. Only you can do that.”

Ichigo inhaled shakily as Shiro set him down. The hollow looked at him thoughtfully, an enraged glint to his barred teeth. Ichigo sunk to his knees as Shiro stepped back and Ossan continued. “Tell us why you’re King.”

“I don’t know,” Ichigo gasped. He was spinning out of control; the doubt and guilt digging like nails into the earth. They chipped away at his progress and his strength. He wanted to scream but he didn’t have enough air.

“Why are we here?” Ossan asked, gesturing to the unrelenting storm that molded and folded the layout of his soul.

“I’m not strong enough,” Ichigo choked. The fear curdled his stomach as he watched buildings disintegrate and shift. Ossan tilted his head in wonder.

“Why are you not strong enough?”

“Because…” Ichigo looked up at his spirits with tears tracking down his face at a run. “I turned everything around me to ash because I could only save myself. I’m not strong enough to save everyone. To protect them.”

“But who took them from us? Who made us this way?” Shiro snarled, advancing until he was in Ichigo’s face. The thunder boomed over-head, parts of buildings emerging from the storm to rebuild the structures. Ossan watched with mild curiosity. “Who was it that set us on this path? Who is responsible for hurting **_you_**?”

“Aizen,” Ichigo could barely say his name but it rang clear. The rain stopped in mid-air and silence fanned out from where they stood on their small obsidian cape. Ichigo felt weightless with the realization; a sickening spin that had him croaking against bile. “It was Aizen who took them from me. Who… tortured me with their deaths. He’s… he’s responsible for their deaths.”

“Are you stronger than him?” Shiro sneered. “Are we more powerful than that deathly butterfly?”

“Yes,” Ichigo coughed. He almost smiled; with the sickly feeling of relief running through him it felt _easy_. An electrical wire of energy through every extremity that made his body tingle with an overwhelming relief. “I’m stronger than him.”

“Then tell us,” Ossan said. Shiro knelt in front of Ichigo, eye to eye. “Why are we here?”

“A reminder,” Ichigo wheezed as the reiatsu built up around them. It was so clear he could see for miles as the rain dissipated into the air. He looked at Ossan. His soul sung the words and they reverberated around them. “I’m not responsible for his acts; only my own. I am strong enough to stop him. It happened once; it will happen again. I will make it happen again.”

“Decided?” Ossan asked.

“Decided,” Ichigo stood, and deflected a stab from his hollow with an ease he had not felt in a long time. Shiro grinned ferally.

“Tell me why you’re King,”

“Because…” Ichigo smirked, rubbing the tear tracks from his skin. “It’s my soul and I choose what gets to hurt me.”

“Pansy,”

Ichigo grinned, hefting his zanpakto up onto his shoulders. “Ready to go destroy Hueco Mundo?”

//--\\\

“Get back!” Rukia yelled to those gathering on the porch. Isshin hefted Yuzu into his arms and dragged Karin behind him, pulling the girls away from the epicenter of the oncoming reiatsu storm. The energy whistled and spun around them, kicking up dust and debris as the power of the storm grew. At the center was Ichigo. Isshin felt Shinji step up next to him, Kisuke on his other side.

“Do you think-?”

“It feels different,” Shinji said with a shake of his head.

“The bands are still in place,” Kisuke said, holding his hat in place. “It’s not the reiatsu causing damage; it’s just causing the displacement.”

“Then what’s going on?” Isshin asked.

“Is Ichi-nii ok?” Karin yelled, trying to look around her father. Isshin tucked her back in as another gust of wind went flying into the sky, pushing everyone back until they were flush against the Shoten. As suddenly as the storm appeared, it disappeared with the same intensity. One second the gusts and reiatsu were pressing them all away and in the next they were falling forward without something there to lean against. The crowd looked up to see Ichigo standing at the center of a small crater.

His entire body glowed dimly as his reiatsu settled back into his body. He stood confidently at the center of a small crater and looked as if the reiatsu had taken away any weariness or injury he had had previously. His shihakusho was pristine despite the weathered ends of his bankai robes with not a spot or thread out of place. His hair was shorter and well kept, the long mange gone to be replaced by healthy strands. Despite the bands, his reiatsu was a warm thrum of power; gentle and controlled as it settled around Ichigo in a serene cloak. Whatever he had done, he was healed and rested.

Ichigo grinned as he hefted Zangetsu onto his shoulders. “Thanks for waiting, everyone.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have returned with a quick warm up chapter for the second part of the story! It's short but started the writing bug again!
> 
> Hope everyone is staying safe and sane!
> 
> Enjoy

“You don’t have to do this,” Kisuke said from across the table. His tea was clenched in his hand as he stared Ichigo down. “You shouldn’t do this.”

“I don’t need someone to talk me out of this,” Ichigo said blankly. “I need you to help me do it.”

“Ichigo, there are other ways,”

“Not one you can do right now,” Ichigo countered. “Just… help me. Please. I want this to end. I can end this.”

Kisuke held Ichigo’s gaze and frowned at his student. There were so many possibilities but he had to agree that none would prevent the inevitable. Aizen had drawn the line. Looking at Ichigo now, Aizen knew they couldn’t cross it. It would destroy Ichigo. “No one will like this.”

“I don’t like it,” Ichigo replied. He looked anxious rather than appeased at Kisuke’s compliance. “But… at least, I won’t be alone for long right? I’ll be ok.”

Kisuke frowned. If Ichigo went to Hueco Mundo alone, it may destroy him. “Why did you come to me?”

“You won’t stop me if it’s the logical thing to do,” Ichigo replied. “Oyaji would knock me senseless. Shinji would tie me down behind one of Hachi’s barriers but you… you know what needs to be done and you’ll help me do it because it’s what needs to be done.”

Kisuke mulled over the words. “Ma Kurosaki-kun, there is only so much one person can take. Are you sure this is what you want to do?”

“No. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to have to do any of this,” Ichigo seethed. “I want to stay home and not worry about my friends and family disappearing or dying or having to worry about fighting day in and day out just to live but I have to stop him, Kisuke. I’m the only one who can do it. So I have to. I want peace more than I don’t want to do this.”

Kisuke reached over and took a hold of Ichigo’s clenched fists. “Ok. I’ll help you do this but you’re taking a tracker or else I will be dead before I can get to you.”

Ichigo heaved a sigh, reigning in his temper. “Ok.”

“But you cannot forget that we are coming for you. This time we will not leave you behind,”

The words echoed in his head as the manacles around his wrists tested formerly healed skin and the chain around his neck constricted his haggard breathing.

_We will not leave you behind._

Aizen loomed over him, and Ichigo looked straight ahead with defiance he barely felt.

_We will not leave you behind._

The man grinned languidly and lifted Ichigo’s head by his chin. The chains holding him clanked shrilly.

_We will not leave you-_

“I knew you would come to me,” Aizen said. “Now we can see what it takes.”

Aizen’s brown eyes, inquisitive and calm, filled him up and didn’t let go. Ichigo’s jaw clenched and he tried to remember the words Kisuke had said to him but they slipped from his grasp as slippery oil drenched murmurs. He was here in his place of nightmares with only whispers from his spirits that were suddenly yells in his ears.

“They’re coming for you,” Ossan said soothingly. “Do not forget.”

His breath returned as Shiro swapped him upside the head. “Or we will keep hitting it into you.”

Ichigo closed his eyes and evened his breathing.

_We will not leave you behind._


	13. Chapter 13

“Why did you leave them behind?” Ichigo closed his eyes and pressed his head further into his arms. Aizen was so predictable. His mother stood before him. A dead and decaying version of his mother who looked at him with disappointment. “Look at them Ichigo.”

Even if he wasn’t predictable, Ichigo didn’t want to look at her. His sisters’ voices made his entire body tense. “Ichi-nii! Come back.”

Ichigo jerked up to look. He fell for it and he wanted to be upset with himself but he was too surprised. Yuzu stared back at him, years older and smiling with blood dripping from her lips. “You’re not real.”

“Don’t say that, Ichi-nii,” She said. “Not when we came all the way here.”

“You aren’t here,” Ichigo replied. He shook his head and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “You’re not real.”

“Ichi-nii, please,” Ichigo reached forward at the plea and pulled her to him. He hugged her tightly.

“You’re not here,” He whispered. “Please you’re not real.”

The blade that went through her stomach and into his made him grunt from pain. He clung to her as she gasped around the pain, more blood tumbling from her lips. “Ichi-nii?”

“It’s not real,” He assured her even as her eyes lost their light and she slumped away from him.

Ichigo screamed himself out of the illusion. He slammed his manacled hands forward and into the ground before him. Aizen sat lazily just out of his reach, his zanpaktu across his crossed legs. He cleaned the blood from his blade with a calm finesse. “How was that, Ichigo? Better or worse? Have we harnessed that truly impressive monster?”

Ichigo seethed, his shoulders screamed as he pulled against the chains, and the new slice in his side wept. He remained quiet as air returned to his lungs but the panicked anxiety remained burrowing into his skin. Doing it all again was messing with his head more than the illusions Aizen showed him. The last 3 months felt like a dream; a relief from the nightmare of his reality.

“Still here, King,” Shiro murmured. The hollow was still there and it was a relief. Ichigo fell forward and pressed his forehead into the ground. It was cold and it seeped through his overheated skin. He barely noticed the tentative brush against him from the Hogyoku. Aizen tsked.

“I guess we can take a break. It is quite late here on Hueco Mundo. I wouldn’t want to attract unnecessary attention of our Hollow friends. Can’t let you devour them in your manic hunger,”

“Fuck off,” Ichigo grit out. Aizen smiled serenely.

“We can always continue, Ichigo,” Aizen said. “We have all the time in the world after all.”

Ichigo glared up at Aizen, breathing heavily as he pulled himself up into a kneeling position. “I’m not going to crack.”

“Only time will tell,” Aizen sat back in his chair. “Shall we begin again?”

“Go for it,” Ichigo snapped and was plunged into another living nightmare.

//--\\\

“You’re supposed to be smarter than this Kisuke,” Isshin snarled. “This could unravel him. All of our hard work-“

“Would be undone if any of us were to be killed,” Kisuke replied. He was hunched over his computer, waiting for it to finish its scan.

“My son is traumatized and you allowed him to go back into that hell! You enabled him!” Isshin seethed. Kisuke sighed.

“He chose this. You need respect that he needed to do this,”

“Isshin,” Shinji cut the man off. “None of us are happy about this, but it was Strawberry’s choice. He chose wrong but we still need ta respect his decision and recognize he made the decision. Right Kisuke? Bull in a china shop.”

Kisuke nodded. “He couldn’t be talked out of it, Isshin.”

“He’s alone, Kisuke,” Isshin said running his hands roughly through his hair. “He’s alone in a place that made him suffer. And we let him walk back in there. We should be able to help him.”

“We did this to him Isshin. What are ya expecting? Him to let anyone of us take the fall meant for him? Fairly certain we would have to tie him up and knock him out.”

“He did say as much,” Kisuke supplied with a sigh. Isshin continued his guilty tirade with Shinji the two butting heads and agreeing with each other at others. The computer finally pinged and Kisuke sighed in relief as he interrupted the two ex-shinigami. “You were wrong about one thing, Isshin. I didn’t send Ichigo in alone.”

The three men looked up as the gate at the end of Kisuke’s office lit up. “He went in as our Trojan horse.”

//--\\\

Ichigo slumped forward gasping for air. He was confused why he was brought out of the illusion early. Aizen never did that willingly. “It seems Ichigo, that your friends have arrived.”

The déjà vu of the moment washed over him and his lungs constricted. That was how it started. He’d paraded Rukia out in front of him next and then Toshiro, Hiyori, Chad and– Aizen’s hand gripped Ichigo’s chin and jerked his entire body up from the floor by it. Aizen smiled serenely.

“I can tell that means something,” He said. “Is that what happened? Your friends arrived and I brought them to you. Who was it first?”

Ichigo couldn’t answer him as he stared over his shoulder and into the eyes of a lifeless Rukia, impaled on an Espada’s sword. The panic took him down a tunnel and he couldn’t look away. There was nothing around him but the white of the walls and Rukia’s body.

It was happening again. Their deaths, the torture, Aizen’s desires were all happening again. Ichigo couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this again knowing what was to come. He was wrong. This was going to hurt worse. He couldn’t handle this. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t break through _the panic_ rising further over him in a torrential wave. He couldn’t defeat Aizen like this. _This was going to hurt more than he could handle._

Kisuke stepped from the shadows between one strangled breath and the next. He took over Rukia’s place in his vision and the flashback slid away from Ichigo so quickly he slumped in Aizen’s hold. Shiro was the only reason he didn’t black out. The hollow spirit slid into his extremities and held him up as Kisuke slashed at Aizen to draw him away from Ichigo. Ichigo fell from Aizen’s hand and Shiro let him slump to the ground rather than drop like dead wait.

“King you need to breathe,” Shiro said with a sear to the back of his skull. “The pervert is here. He’s distracting the butterfly.”

Ichigo tried to take a breath but it stuck in his throat and he coughed. He shook his head and fell with the chains when it was too hard to breathe. Shiro sneered and pressed harder. “You have to breathe, King. If you don’t, Kisuke is a sitting duck. Now get it together.”

He closed his eyes and sucked in his first real breath in minutes and pressed back against Shiro. The hollow spirit sneered in encouragement as Ichigo took another breath but couldn’t do it evenly. A hand rested on Ichigo’s shoulder and the chains were cut from his wrists and neck.

“Ichigo,” Kisuke spoke softly. “You need to stand.”

“Kisuke?” Ichigo whispered brokenly. “Was wrong.”

“It’s ok,” Kisuke said as he pulled Ichigo up to stand by the elbows and biceps. “Just stand.”

“Was wrong,” Ichigo said again as Kisuke held him up. Shiro tugged his way free and took his other side. Ichigo needed them to understand. “Couldn’t do it.”

“Shut up King,” Shiro murmured into his ear. “You’re doing it now.”

Ichigo wanted to scream. To yell and rage but there was no energy in him to do so. There was only Kisuke’s hands holding him up and Shiro’s angry words; the hogyoku’s probing wisps. He couldn’t do anything else. He could only hold on to them and try to breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Bleach. 
> 
> This is a completely self indulgent fic to ease that itch for hurt/comfort I crave. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading.


End file.
